Poems From Episode 36

See my deconstruction below.

“So for the purpose of clarification. I will answer these questions. 

What if that lover never wants you?

Well, I guess I’ll fall apart and then pick myself back up again, focus myself back on the work I have to do here in this world. And know that there will be more love someday. That somewhere there is a person, that wants to stand by my side through it all. And face this messy life with me. Providing I can make my way back to enough faith to know that. 

What if the fairy tale never comes? 

Well, it hasn’t, and fairytales are for children. This life is hard, but it’s also beautiful. And I’ll make if it what I can. I’ll work with what I have here. I’ll build it myself, brick by brick, until i walk through the gardens of my pleasure. 

What will you do when the day spreads herself before you and all you can think of is night? 

Be patient. 

And the night, what if she leaves you empty? 

Well folks it wouldn’t be the first time, and lord knows it won’t be the last. So I’ll knit, and stare at my dog, and eat leftovers, and shout into the void like I always do. And pray, that tomorrow’s lighter. 

Will you keep lying there begging to be filled? 

No, I will find grace enough in the lonely, grace enough in the silence, to let it be empty. 

Will you keep staring at the horizon and dreaming? 

Doubtless, but I’ll attempt to pull myself back into the present. To my feet on the earth. To what I can do with where I am. 

Will you close the book and head into the unknown, or will you keep reading? 

I have never been one to give up on learning the lessons, but the unknown holds great potential. I guess I am torn. Maybe that’s where all of my problems lie here. 

Will you keep hoping this life is what you want? Or will you make it your own? 

I guess if those are my choices the only right one is to make it my own. But I’m order to do that I must have faith, so there must be some hope left in me. I guess I’ll try to do both. Simultaneously. As it goes, it is my life, and I guess I will not choose. Can I have it all? 

Who knows. 

But I it’s with finding out. 

Or at least. I hope so. 

And remember, your life is exactly what you think it is. So it’s time to refocus. My life is also the work I have to do here in the world. And if I choose meaning, my life will have meaning. And I believe, that out there waiting for me, there is a key, that fits into a lock that no one else can open. A system of healing, a way of being, a discovery that only I can make. By combining all the versions of my lessons, into something useful. And I must keep learning. So that I can develop it. So that I can teach it to the world. And maybe ease some suffering, if only for a few people, if only a fraction. I will have accomplished what I set out here to do. So I choose everything, that keeps me in service of that. 

If I choose once again, to make peace with these four walls — they will hold me, instead of keeping me captive. All I am, in service of whatever the next chapter holds. 

But folks, my hands are tired. 

And I’m going to just drink a cbd ginger ale and go to bed. Because I’ve had just about enough universe for one day. 

And I’m sure, I am certain something will happen soon, to remind me to have faith, that everything happens for a reason on this wild rock hurtling through space. And I’ll look up at the stars to remind me that I am one little wildly significant and somehow completely insignificant part of this complicated world. Trying my best to be honest. One day at a time.”

-Olivia Wade