TENDING!!! LIVING ALONE!!! Budgeting, GROAN!!! PLANNING THE FUTURE!!! MEDITATION!!! VIDEO GAMES!!! WHAT DO I WANT?!?! LETTING GO!!! A FALSE PERSONA OF ME!!! & Sometimes, I feel like I am getting saner by the day until I accidentally spend 4 days alone in my house and start talking to the walls about what I’m making for dinner.

Yes, this is it, everything, stripped down, and as vulnerable as possible. AN EXCESSIVE AMOUNT OF BAD POETRY!!! OLIVIA CRINGING AT HERSELF!!! EGGS!! DADDY ISSUES!!! BOOKS!!! LAND ROVER GREEN!!! CLICHES ON CLICHES!!! MAYBE A LITTLE TOO MUCH INFORMATION!!! I CANNOT BELIEVE I RECORDED & PUBLISHED THIS, DEAR LORD!!! & WELL IT’S TOO LATE NOW!!!

I sat with my demons and ate a brownie. Come on in, I’ve been expecting you. MY SAHMAN!!! THE TAROT!!! SEX & DEATH!! Some CATHOLIC sprinkled on in there… irreverently!!! THE ELEMENTS!!! TRASH MUSIC!!! WILLOW!!! WHY AM I DOING THIS!!! GOD CALLS, I ANSWER!!! ONE SINGULAR SHINING BLADE!!! THE MOST CERTAIN!!! EVERYTHING IS A DISTRACTION!!! SILENCE!!! WARM CORN!!! CONGRATULATIONS, YOU HAVE ARRIVED!!! ONLY TRUE NERDS WILL GET THAT REFERENCE!!! TEMPERED & HONED!!! THE QUEEN OF CUPS IS A SCORPIO!!! & I climbed naked, you know like Tarzan, down a rope to the bottom of a waterfall…

I sat on my floor, which you will notice is a theme. ALIENS!!! GUNS!!! A HIGH-POWERED DYSON VACUUM!!! THE HORRORS!!! God dam that’s a hot mess, that’s a dumpster fire… THE MORTIFYING ORDEAL OF BEING KNOWN or THE FAMILIAR COMFORT OF COMPLACENCY?!?! SPLAT!!! Bad Poetry!!! MY EX!!! WHAT IF?!?! & like really? brain? This is the channel we are going to be on? Um, how about, no.

Welcome to the last period of Scorpio full moon lunar eclipse mercury is in catastrophe again & Venus & Neptune straight up ditched to smoke some weed on top of Baldwin Hill… which is like a thing in the Berkshires & thank you very much for the literal universal hazing... & could I please, pretty please, have a pony, some really good sex, 3 copies of A Streetcar Named Desire, in the original print, some warm lentil & tomato dhal, a bouquet of lilacs, a long drive in someone else’s truck with my feet hanging out the window on the passenger side & the speakers blaring some epic electronic beat-dropping-base-heavy number while we drive to absolutely nowhere.

A TOTAL OF ZERO LOVERS!!! Warm presence!!! THE UNIVERSE TAKING ME TO LITERALLY!!! 10 LONG YEARS!!! A room the size of a closet!!! MELODRAMA!!! THE SPARK!!! COMPASSION!!! FRACTURED SUNBEAMS!!! & everyone around us remarked they had never felt a love like ours. WHAT IS THE PURPOSE OF THIS?!?! WHYYYYY?!? & I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M DOING!!!

DRAMA!!! NOT HEALTHY!!! THROW IT IN REVERSE!!! ILLUSIONS!!! A VAGUE WHISPER OF CONTROL!!! SO QUIET!!! Leonardo da Vinci!!! TIBETAN PRAYER FLAGS!!! A TORNADO OF WINGS!!! ENERGY ELECTRIC!!! RUINS!!! & nostalgia traps me often in more moments than I would like to admit… god damn you and your shoulders. God damn you ruining everyone else for me. God damn you being the brightest thing in the world. God damn you and your unusual way of being. I am never without it. I carry your heart with me [I carry it in my heart]. I am never without it. And if I could wish it reversed backward, could I undo our hands bound by an EE Cummings poem? Conjecture. But not likely. Maybe I should give up. Maybe I have done searching. Maybe that was it. Had my loves. They were extraordinary. And nothing more.

Ahhh, how to fall in love with the world again? ROADMAPS!!! A COMPASS!!! OR, HOPEFULLY, NON-ABRASIVE GPS VOICE GUIDANCE!!! THE TRULY VIBRANTLY ALIVE!!! WE BELONG HERE!!! A 1970’s MOTORCYCLE!!! 12 OYSTERS!!! AN INTERVIEW WITH MYSELF!!! NONE OF IT IS LOST!!! & I will remember this time. I will.

LETS GOOOOOO!!!! WE ARE IN SAFE HARBOR HOURS NOW!!!! JUST SURROUND SOUND BY JID on repeat AND ME SCREAMING INTERMITTENTLY FOR AN HOUR!!! (no, but really, I do play a song twice so have fun)!!! ANARCHY!!! Queer politics…....... !!!!! EPIC TINDER AWKWARDNESS!!! THE DEEP MURKY PSYCHIC TORTURE!!! FIXING YOUR SHIT!!! WE ARE USING EACH OTHER!! & HALLUCINOGENS!!!

UNDER MY SKIN!!! IT’S GONNA BE GREAT. THEY’RE GONNA LOVE IT!!! THE ONE (yes, like that)!!! Everything is on fire, and there are 10 tickets on the line!!! A PILE OF BRICKS FROM THE HEAVENS!! THE CRACKS IN MY PSYCHE!! THE SAME LINOLEUM FLOORS!!! NIGHTS SOAKED IN WHISKY & AMARO!!! & she did something to me…. I was young, ravenous, insatiable, consumed.