Episode 17: Righteous Feminine Rage

ALTERNATE TITLE: NOT Songs To Fall In Love To

SELF-RESPECT (Cupid try to get past that one…) SHE KNOWS. I’ll repeat that. SHE KNOWS! But, I want to be the kind of woman who holds soft strength. Not righteous indignation. TRYING NOT TO GET JADED. But… I GIVE UP. FUCK THIS.

Excerpt:

So, I have a bone to pick here. One of my least, least! favorite things in the whole world… Is when specifically cis straight men, make women doubt their intuition. In any way.! Guys..... she knows. I mean, I’ll say that again. SHE KNOWS. Whatever it is you are running around lying about. I bet you 100$ some part of her knows exactly what’s happening. Turns out, contrary to what I said last week, I am actually a mind reader and y’all better watch out. So get yourself together and tell the darn truth already. The truth, whether you like it or not, will ultimately set you free. And I mean that is such a literal way here. Because thank god I know what I know now, and not like, 3 years from now when you’re still lying to me and I finally catch up. And I’m free to never engage with that person on an intimate level again. Because god knows I don’t need any more of THAT in my life. It seems simple, but it’s often a lot more complicated by our egos trying very hard to protect themselves.  And, we all know where that leads, well… no where good. 

And while being highly intuitive, (and conditioned through a lot of trauma at a very young age, to be a very very good reader or facial expressions, body language, and hand signals) has its own seriously heightened levels of super powers. I mean I can read a room like nobody’s business, and I can tell you when someone is lying, and I even can tell when you are lying to yourself. And I try really hard not to ever assume that I know how someone else is feeling, or what they are thinking. That being said… I can’t imagine being in a relationship or friendship with me is easy - because I always know. I mean, lie to me all you want. But it’s not going to do anything but dig you further into that hole. And most of the time I don’t care if you are lying to yourself, or if you hate Marie over there in the corner with all your might, or if you know you’ve had too many drinks and are feeling ashamed and trying to cover it up, or if you really didn’t buy those shoes where you said you did. But when it comes to me, I hate being lied TO. Bottom line. Probably because, I already know you are doing it. And that’s often tricky, because how much of it is me spinning out, versus a trauma response playing out a story again, or actually just what’s happening? Sometimes it’s hard to sort through those things. But I’ve spent a lot of time hold up in a room meditating for hours and hours on end. And I can tell you, I’m getting a lot better at figuring that out. And I try to only use my powers for good… Who do we hire? How are they going to respond to that email? Maybe you shouldn’t date them, they don’t seem so solid… And mostly, it’s a really good thing. But sometimes, just sometimes, I wish I was a little more naive and could just float around through life not knowing or caring about any of it! But, well, I’m me. And I’m going to continue to be me. All my my uncomfortable super powers and all. And I just have to make peace with them. But I don’t have to make peace with this, so here’s “You Don’t Do It For Me Anymore,” By Demi Lovato.