Episode 31: The World Is Bonkers Bro…

APPARENTLY THE PLANETS ARE DOING SOME SORT OF THING, and everyone is FREAKING OUT. Old Lovers ! New Lovers! Building castles out of people. REIKI! FANTASY VS. REALITY! “Lightwork” is a gross word…BECOMING WHOLE! FRIEND-ZONES! ATTACHMENT!

Excerpt:

Well folks, Episode 31… Something slightly unremarkable about that.

But at the same time, wow what a wild week…

Apparently all the planets are doing some sort of thing, and everyone is freaking out.

Just kidding I mean I know exactly what they are doing you didn’t think I wasn’t totally into astrology right? I mean I’m not an astrologer. But I can sure tell you everything that is coming up right now, is coming up to go out, or be clarified. I mean really, if you are feeling weird or anxious, or doing and saying things you wouldn’t normally do and say, you are not alone. I’ve spent most of this week, going from one direction to another, showing up, just showing up, in community, for my people. Who are all just going through it. And you know what, the strangest thing is? Im the rock. I mean ME the steady constant, what a wild concept. Here to listen, here to hold the container while everything inside falls apart around us. I just keep on going, showing up to the next difficult conversation, or wild moment. And boy am I learning so much. I mean really. I’m also learning that I need to be alone to recharge! I’m learning that the learning never, ever stops. I’m learning to trust myself, my intuition, my heart (true north). Sometimes I fancy myself a guide, a hand to hold when the road gets rocky, and you can’t quite see in the dark. I don’t know how to get you home. Only you know how to do that. But, I can be there to keep you company while you make your way. Sometimes, only sometimes, it’s a little lonely, to be the one who shows up to be that person. Because once you are home, it’s my cue to help the next person over the rocks. I make connections, get out of my own way, and let the universe guide me, to say the next right thing, to hold the open space for grief, for fear, for suffering to come and go. 

But you might wonder then, what if my grief, what of my pain, my suffering. Well, that’s where faith comes in because I have enough for all of us. That thing are happening exactly the way they are meant to, for us to learn the lessons or experience the things we need to experience. Cryptic I know. But sometimes that’s just the way it is. Cryptic AF. But when it comes to my life, the universe tends to scream at me. It’s not like, hey, gentle nudge in this direction. Ohhh here, a touch of meaning. It’s like wham, I’m your face.  Slamming me into experiences and people and life in general. And all that calm and simplicity I was filled with a couple weeks ago, seems like a fond but distant memory. 

And after all that this week has been I finally came to a grinding halt and collapsed with extraordinary relief into a much needed container of healing with my lover that has known me through every version of my life, every part of my story. As I held a container of reiki for them to heal in. No no not at all what you’re thinking. It was an actual evening of talking and unpacking and me doing reiki on them. Which is just as healing for me as it is for whoever is on my table. But to have a piece of my heart on my table is always a profound experience. 

And there was this moment, standing over them, with the candles lit, and the night street light filtering in through the huge windows of my studio, my freaking studio, where I felt time collide in on itself. Which lets be honest always happens in reiki because it works outside of the time space continuum, but in this moment I remembered being 11 years old. And meeting them, and having this deep sense of knowing, that somehow they were vitally important, and not understanding why. And there I was, 15 years later, pouring reiki into their heart, into their scars, into their being. Acutely aware, that everything I knew as a child, was written on the palms of my hands. Was traced through the edges of my heart. 

Now there is an interesting piece of this story I have never touched on. And that is, that when we were children, they were brutal with me. They were actually the cause of incredible amounts of hurt in my young life. Now I know, how interesting, that in our adulthood we forged such a strong and caring connection. But something in me knew, even then, that somehow we were sent to teach each other lesions. The first lesson they ever taught me was suffering, the second, was compassion, and the third was how to kiss, and the fourth was that everything happens for a reason. And the first time we slept together, which was many years ago. But we were grown. Was a wild experience. Years of pain, colliding with care and compassion, colliding with shame, colliding with pleasure. Colliding with, I forgive you. Truly. With every part of my body. And I have continued to do so. Ever since. Because I always knew, that underneath it all, life would teach them to be kind, by showing them suffering of their own. But did I know, that I would be there, to hold their heart on the other side of it. Maybe. Maybe I knew. Maybe my bones new something I couldn’t even imagine. And so, in a direct polar opposite, to 15 years before that moment. I let them talk the world into rightness with me again, and hold me, hearts open this time, with all our joy and all our grief, laid out in the bare truth of it, on the table. 

They touched my hand, as I walked away from the table at the end of the session, and held it there on their chest for a moment, and I felt something I had maybe not ever felt from them. Finally, they touched me and I could feel a deep understanding. This is who you are. This is what it was all along. Finally, I understand. 

And they said something else, as we were leaving, with words this time, that we hadn’t finished becoming whatever we were. And I felt that, deeply. The rest, is in the hands of the universe. All we can do now, is listen. 

And somewhere in there. In all of the talking and all of the silence, and all of the memories, shared and separate, I realized that I had become, somewhere along the road, a whole person. There was nothing missing. I didn’t need their attention, or affection, I didn’t need them to be anything for me, I didn’t even need them to be my lover. There was no need left in me. I was, actually whole. One whole person, capable now, of holding their heart, no matter what state it was in. And yet somehow, we were intrinsically, a part of each other. 

So, here is “Whole.” Aptly, by Jordan Hart.

Because, “Take the time you need to change and heal

Let me show you you were made to feel,

Whole”