Episode 42: My Subconscious Is LEGIT Cruel

Here look at this sweet shiny lovely thing THAT YOU WILL NEVER HAVE… MY FICTIONAL LOVE LIFE! Weird dreams! CHEMISTRY EXPERIMENTS! 

Christmas music is literally THE WORST! 

I AM STILL THE OTHER WOMAN! FLYING PLANES! Off-roading! People that don’t like me! & HALLELUJAH BABY WE’RE NO LONGER TOGETHER! 

Excerpt:

“So, because I am nothing if not a true dramatic. 

Here is a list of things I’ve decided to do and be instead of being in partnership, while “In My Veins” plays softly in the background.  Imagine it’s like, the fall assembly in high school, and this super awkward lanky dark haired pale skinned vampire looking chick is standing on the stage about to deliver a monologue about what she wants for her life after high school. 

And action. 

So I’ve decided instead of looking for partnership I’m going to save my money and  finally learn to fly planes. I’m going to cross off the first item on my bucket list and get my pilot’s license in the next 3 years. Instead of looking for partnership I’m going to put some money into my car and get it further outfitted for off-roading. I went this week and I haven’t ever felt more free more alive than hurtling over ice filled craters in my truck while my passenger held on for dear life wondering if he was going to die on the top of a mountain with a pretty much stranger he had taken to teach how to off-road. So I’m going to paint my car green (you know so I can go places I shouldn’t and be less visible than in a bright red truck) and I’m going to get a nice heavy duty metal front fender. And strap some cargo boxes to my roof rack and hit the woods. Instead of looking for partnership I’m going to look for a piece of land to buy, that has a waterfall on it for me to build a house next to. Instead of looking for partnership I’m going to talk to my friend who is starting an incredible company building environmentally eco-symbiotic modular houses about building me a house there. Instead of looking for partnership I’m going to learn how to build wealth, how to invest and grow money. I’m going to learn to budget. And I’m going to work hard to create my dream. Instead of looking for partnership I’m going to make beautiful things, I’m going to knit myself clothing to wear, I’m going to fill my house with candles I have made. I’m going to invest in myself. Instead of looking for partnership I’m going back to school. To learn how to have the tough conversations we need to have about human sexuality, I’m going to learn about shame and how to release it. Instead of searching for partnership I am going to focus on my practice, on working with more amazing clients and helping them through their lives. 

Instead of looking for partnership I am going to find places to invest in truly sustainable agriculture. Instead of looking for partnership I am going to continue learning how to be a better ally, to myself and to my community. Instead of looking for partnership I am going to look for the love that is already here, in my life. I am going to be a steadfast support to my loving friendships, to my community. Instead of looking for partnership I am going to spend more time hiking alone with my dog; walking through the frozen forest and communing with the trees. Instead of looking for partnership I am going to deepen my connection with myself, with the flow and ebb of the universe. I am going to meditate and move and feel the energy growing around me. Instead of searching for love, I am going to be the love I want to find. I am going to linger in a bath for an extra moment, I am going to write for no one but myself. Instead of searching for partnership I am going to cook delicious food for myself. I am going to appreciate every one of my senses. And indulge them. Instead of searching for partnership I am going to learn to craft the finest perfumes, the most delicious teas, the finest elixirs. 

Instead of searching for partnership I am going to become, the person that I want to be. One step at a time. Instead of searching for partnership I am going to make a game plan, of how to get there. 

Instead of searching for partnership I am going to listen. I am going to listen a whole lot more, to everyone and everything around me. Until maybe someday I hear, rest now, I’m here you don’t have to do this all alone any longer. But look what a beautiful life you have built for yourself. Thank you, for inviting me in through the door.

Ok well I have to thoroughly embarrass myself at least once in every show. Gotta keep that pesky ego in check remember. How did I do? Well good thing you can’t give me feedback and I get to just keep talking over whatever thoughts you may have on the matter. Awesome. Well. I’m, I’ve really been reaching here, my fictional love life, random anecdotes about what I would rather be focusing on.  

So let’s just listen to some more music so I don’t have to talk about anything else! Great?! Great.”