Episode 47: MUCH CRINGE 💘

OLIVIA LOOKIN LIKE AN EARLY 90s DRUG DEALER!!! I do not feel like I am doing any of this gracefully. I feel more like a penguin falling down an escalator in slow motion… Only to stick the landing… INTIMACY: but like as a kink… MY WORRIED LITTLE HEART!!! Baggage…. LAYERS OF ARMOR!!! Could it be? I’ve been playing it safe? KETTLEBELLS!!! I was not always this whole person. A TINY PUDDLE OF MUSH!!! SPYS!!! MORSE CODE!!!! POLYVAGAL THEORY!! THE “NERVOUS” SYSTEM!!! NON-ATTACHMENT (an attached word)!!! DOPE LEMON!!! BEGINNING AGAIN!!! The ties that bind…. & UGHHH!!! The most eloquent confession. The most epic love letter: UGHHHHHH!!! And ohh god, am I? Happy?

EXCERPT:

“Well, this week had its ups and downs, miscommunications, learning experiences and wins. And well let’s just say, it was really both the work that can’t be done alone, and well the work that can only be done alone. As my lover said when I reminded them, that it was the work that cannot be done alone, “ughhhhhhhh you and your catch phrases, whyyyy ughhhh I like it so much…” folks a direct quote from the source. You heard it here first.

There’s something about the beginning stages of a new relationship….. That I just totally suck at!!!!! I’m over here groaning into the phone and not like in a sexy way half the time I’m just a pile of mush and feelings and all I can say is UGHHH…. The most eloquent confession. The most epic love letter: UGHHHHHH.

So, allow me to make fun of myself here for a little while. This week I did something dumb, well several dumb things. But some of them were cute, others were cu-dumb.

The first was unarguably not so cute.

I overreacted to my partner saying that they were feeling weird and wanting to not be on their phone for a couple days, by being like… TAKE SPACE!!! WE’LL TALK THIS WEEKEND!!! I’M HERE BUT IT’S OK FOR YOU TO TAKE BREAKS FROM ME!!!! I’M A LOT!!

And reacting to my epic overreaction, they took space. So I worked out, a lot. I channeled all of my worrying into yoga. Which honestly let’s be real, is probably the absolute proper and healthy response — GO ME — so that was a win. And I started the sweater I’m knitting them. I know, folks I know, it’s been a month and I’m already knitting them something. I am a walking relationship cliche terror. I’m aware.

The cuteness and sap is absolutely disgusting. And of course I’m sitting doing schoolwork in my room alone with my dog and worrying, and kitting and worrying. Mostly that I’ve tired someone out and they’re going to resent me. Which was the real honest truth. I’m intellectual, and chatty and I love a good debate, and I can talk for well you all know this by now 47 hours of this show to prove that. And I’m just a ball of self -conscious. And not to mention earlier in the week they got a package. With probably the worlds most presumptive and adorably cringe worthy present. Yes, I ordered us long distance couples bracelets. Those are a thing. Cringe, a thing. And there’s a whole app, where you can send Morse code vibrations that vibrate and light up the other bracelet. Like now you can let me know your thinking of me while I’m sitting in class online all the way across the country. Ohhh god it’s so adorably disgusting. I can’t even. So here I am in my room sitting and staring at this bracelet on my night stand thinking about my metaphor about making space in your life for the things you want to come in, about putting it atop your nightstand. And there I am. With space “the metaphor” atop my nightstand. Ughh. Whyyyyy. So me and my kettlebell and some extra preppy woman on YouTube hit our workouts hard. And I did, finally, what I always tell you all to do. I refocused on my own space. I lit some candles, meditated, felt into the edges of myself. Had some orgasms, saw god, you know, the usual. And I remembered that your relationship with your partner is only as good as your relationship with yourself.

So I doubled down on myself for the week. And pushed myself to change some much needed patterns, and got a lot of work done. And finally I got a message, a song of course, and some gushy sweetness about how it reminded them of me. Ohh boy, I hate that I was waiting for a text. But also, I don’t think I’ve felt like that in a long time. And something about it felt healthy. Is it? Is it possible? Is it possible that I haven’t let myself invest in any potential partnership for several years. Could it be? I’ve been playing it safe, guarding my heart like a hawk for all this time. Not to let anyone in. Not to care too much, don’t get invested, they’re are just going to walk away, fall for someone else, get exhausted (yeah that’s a big one) I’m exhausting, I mean being me is exhausting.

So armed with all this new knowledge, and terrified as hell. I took the phone call that came through my phone an hour later.

And you better bet I tired to intellectualize the heck out of it. But lovingly shoved and cajoled into talking about how I was feeling I finally broke down. And said, “I’m afraid you’re going to resent me.” And they just broke down into the softest sweetest most loving mushy, “Awwww.” And suddenly I realized that I was the one who was scared. Scared that I came into this with too much baggage. I mean a month ago I found out that the lover I’ve had for most of my life had a partner that didn’t know about me, right before I was about to ask them if they wanted to give us a shot. And It felt so unfair, that I’m coming into this with all of that and alllllll of my other baggage too (I mean y’all know bette than anyone)… So I acknowledged, that I was scared, and through a halo of tears I admitted that I didn’t know if I could do this again. And much to my worried little hearts surprise. They reminded me of a moment that we had together, one where they held me with their hand over my heart while I cried. And welp with that little reminder I just tuned into a tiny puddle of mush. And I let myself have alll the feelings. Relief, fear, and a whole whole bunch of nauseatingly sweet swoon.

And of course, our little oh so lovely moment turned instantly into a frisky little tryst… because well, I finally met someone with the same kink as me: INTIMACY. And ohhhh dear lord it’s wonderful and wild.

And we both turned our bracelets on the next day. And sent each other a bunch of light up vibratey Morse code, and messages each other through the personal secret messages app, that takes a passcode or tapping the bracelet to get into. Which honestly makes me feel kind of like a spy, and it’s turned out to be wayyyy cooler than I thought it would be. And well let’s just say a whole lot sexier.

Ohh god. I hate how adorable and sappy this all is. High school me is cringing. Heck a month ago me is cringing.

I always thought the next time I fell for someone it would be, well, dramatic, romantic, intimate. But I did not think that it would be this DORKY. And silly, and SEXY. And funny and awkward. I did not think it would be like this.

But this, this is better. Better than anything I could have imagined up. Because of one thing. I finally have found someone who pushes me to grow, to change, to confront difficulty with curiosity. And who WANTS to have the difficult conversations, who wants to find a way to take healthy space, who wants to figure out how to best support each other.

And ohh god, am I? Happy?

I think this is what happy but overwhelmed feels like.

And I’ve been diving into some fun music as a result of it. So let’s get right into that! I’ve been driving around with a stupid grin on my face, in the bangn’ new coat that I found at the goodwill, that may or may not make me look a little like an early 90s drug dealer. And blasting this and singing at the top of my lungs. So here’s “Astronaut” by Sir Sly,

Followed by “Freak Like Me” by NoMBe.

WOOO!!! Are you all ready?! Come with me for a spin, for a moment, we’ll turn up the volume, and have a little faith. That maybe it’s ok, to be scared but hopeful. To wear your heart on your sleeve. To be honest. And maybe all this work I’ve done is actually not all in vain.”

Here’s a tracklist for you!