Episode 53: Sex, Drugs & Rock & Roll

WORKING MAGIC!!! IMMEASURABLE POWER COURSING THROUGH MY VEINS!!! Sobriety. LIQUID GOLD!!! Doritos. CONGRATULATIONS YOU HAVE ARRIVED!!!  Me saying I will explain my day job and then not doing it. CLASSIC!!! Tibetan Tantra!!! ANIMISM!!! (EVERYTHING IS ALIVE!!!) Sitting like a crazy person and talking to my plants… CALLING IN THE ONE (the worlds least cool book). ASK AND YOU SHALL RECEIVE?!?!?! SO, let’s talk about SEX. & I thought that I would find god at the bottom of a bottle of single malt scotch, or the last hit of a joint…

Excerpt 1:

“So, let’s start here. 

Spiritual practice. Believing there is something greater than yourself at work. Forces beyond your knowledge and understanding. It’s not that crazy, the human body itself is a miraculous machine, we do not have to consciously make our heart pump blood to our body, or remember to breathe, although I swear I forget sometimes. Our gut microbiome, alive and digesting while we go about our lives. 

The intricate workings, carrying out as we go meandering through our lives. 

Workings beyond our sight seen. 

My partner reminded me that I am far more powerful than I recognize readily. And I have a startling example. Remember when I was reading that book. Yeah, the really arguably not cool book, you know like something someone would have made fun of you for reading in high school, yeah Calling In The One, which is basically just, “Get right with yourself and fix your own life and learn how to be with yourself so that you can eventually meet someone who wants to do life with you…” That’s the title now. Yeah, that book, well there was a chapter on spiritual belief, and a suggestion in that chapter, whether you believe in god or the universe or powers greater than yourself or not, create a box, they called it a god box, I like to call it a universe box. And I know, this is all starting to sound a little Wooo Woooo, like man… she’s way out there. That’s fine, I’m not that concerned about it.  I like to think there are forces, not just one great force helping move the tides of life. So you pick a box, and every time you have a worry, or a fear, or want something, you write it down, and put it in the box. Here’s an example, “dear universe, I got in an argument with so and so, and I’m worried they hate me now, please help us come to a resolution”  and then you put it in the box, and then you consciously let it go, you put it in the hands of the universe, learning time after time, to let go and trust that it will happen as it is meant to. And I recognize, as I’m running against the clock, trying to get this show recorded in time, as I walk around my room looking for this book to find exactly what the practice is, that it doesn’t actually matter, as long as you keep doing it, keep surrendering note after note, until one day your faith is rewarded, and your prayers are actually answered. I think to myself, walking around and I just can’t find this book. And I finally give up, and walk into the other room holding my book of poetry instead, and look down, and I’ve already put the book in my arms, looking all this time, for something I was already holding. The irony is striking. Because somehow, and this is what I was trying to explain, once we let everything go, we ultimately recognize that it was within us all along, the drive to achieve the thing we want, the resources we didn’t feel were there before. The love of self we had been searching for outside of ourselves all this time. It’s all already inside of you.

The box is just an external metaphor. And I promise you, I thought, “Well this is crazy, it will never work.” Well, I filled it and forgot about it. And I found it the other day. And every slip of paper, every worry, every fear. I won’t find love again the way it feels when it’s real, I worry that I’ll get that again. I worry that I won’t find my calling, please universe, help me find where I’m meant to be. 

And it has all come true. Every piece of paper. Every word. Just like the list I wrote, in the depths of my illness, that was at least a hundred things long, with columns like “things that would be nice” or “things I wish I could do.”

Well guess what, 

I have that peace of mind I thought was an impossible dream. 

I did become a reiki practitioner.

I did find someone whose love feels delicious.

I am in school to become a sexologist.

I don’t have that anxiety weighing me down anymore. 

I do have those deep and meaningful friendships. 

Well, I still haven’t learned to fly planes yet. Because for some reason I want that.

But I’ll get there. Because for some reason I want that. 

But 90%… 90 freaking percent of that list. 

Not only is the universe, but WE are far more powerful than we realize. 

It is startling. A list written in the depths of my suffering. Contains the blueprint of what my life became. The outline of me, forgotten. But the universe knew. It remembered. And walked me, one foot after another in the right direction. 

But this is the thing, it doesn’t happen overnight. And it takes patience, diligence, practice, devotion. Every day. It is a knowing in my bones. That is the life meant for me. 

And I will see it. 

I will live it. 

As long as I keep walking in the right direction. 

And stay curious, because if you aren’t paying attention, you just might miss it. Those convergences, where luck and fate collide. And you are caught in the middle of a perfect storm. An extraordinary coincidence. Where your dreams actually come true. And love is everywhere. 

Alright well, that’s enough of that for the moment. And I’ll leave you with this, from Eckhart Tolle, because it really is all about getting back here to this moment. “To stay present in everyday life, it helps to be deeply rooted within yourself, otherwise, the mind, which has incredible momentum, will drag you along like a wild river.” Because this is what we are doing, we are letting go. So we get closer to the core of ourselves. Over and over again. Because the more deeply we know ourselves, the more pleasure we can share with another person.

Y’all do we keep forgetting that the reason we’re doing all of this work is so we can have like multiple extraordinary several-minute-long orgasms, and connect to and explore the world with joy and sensuality. That our ultimate goal is to be dropping in honey, naked in a field under the sun, is to be basked in the touch of a graceful love. Or pounded into oblivion. That is why we do the work, to feel the world, to really feel it. So that we, ourselves become god. Humble, and extraordinarily powerful, all at once. And I’ll be damned, if that’s not where I’m going. All of this practice. Is leading us to love. 

Ok didn’t I say I was stopping like 5 minutes ago? Yeah, I’m sure I did, man I can talk. Well you know it’s not like I literally do a radio show where I talk at you every week. Hmmm, might be a correlation. Anyways, because really it’s all about the songs I feel like are sacred here’s You Shook Me, by AC/DC…. No sorry, I’m actually not going to play that, I mean I do think it’s a religious experience to listen to that at top volume in my car driving through the dark night, it’s just not the mood right now. Here’s Worlds Remain, by Moderator, 

Followed by the smoldering and delicious La Yarara by Malena Zavala, and I’ll throw in another extra after that really love, off of The Black Massiah by D’Angelo and The Vanguard. One of my favorite artists.”

Excerpt 2:

“So, let’s talk about sex. 

For those of us that have studied Tantra, in any form. One of the basic concepts is that at the moment of orgasm the energies, the rushing currents of desire, of the body brush the central channel that runs our torso and we attain a glimpse of enlightenment. A moment of pure bliss. But what if we could live in this state constantly, our world flooded with the bliss of a blooming flower; the sap rising in the trees in the spring. The buds blooming, the wind rushing, the sun beating deliciously down on our skin. What if we could savor every moment as much as we savor that moment of climax. Devoid of other thoughts, clear like a ringing bell. What if we were able to tune into this frequency, again and again, to heal the body, to flood it with dopamine and serotonin, to boost the immune system. A radical concept. I know.  But I believe it’s possible. I have seen it, I have lived it in moments of ecstasy I have felt the rushing of glitter through my veins. The electricity and ecstasy of being alive. But in this disconnected world, we must cultivate it, bringing our attention back time and time again to it. Train our mind and body out of this perpetual state of stress, expanding into one of bliss. And there was a time in my life where I thought that I would find god at the bottom of a bottle of single malt scotch, or the last hit of a joint, that I would find it in the arms or the tongue of my desperate lover. I searched for it, in my paintings, in my writing. Late into the night. And sometimes, I glimpsed it. That ephemeral thing. That state of pleasure and flow. But never did I think I would find it inside of myself. Never did I think I could reside there. But that is where I was wrong, for so long, searching for the very thing that was simply a state of being, that was within me. And now, devoid of all other things, of substances and desperation, of reaching for things that were hurting me. I found, that I was the key. To the metaphorical mythical place, palace of pleasure. It became very real because I do believe that it begins and ends in the body. It is my temple, my alter, my heart, my hands. If I touch everything as though it is sacred — and by sacred I mean ecstatic I mean extraordinary I mean pleasurable — it will respond by becoming sacred beneath my touch. A lover, a client, a table, a flower. The universe is tangible. God is flesh and blood and bone. Enlightenment is a body moving. A heart beating. 

So here’s another song that feels like worship to me. Maybe the most like worship. Here’s Do I Move You? by Nina Simone.”