Episode 89: Adultery? Budgets & Dumpster Fires of Trauma!
TENDING!!! LIVING ALONE!!! Budgeting, GROAN!!! PLANNING THE FUTURE!!! MEDITATION!!! VIDEO GAMES!!! WHAT DO I WANT?!?! LETTING GO!!! A FALSE PERSONA OF ME!!! & Sometimes, I feel like I am getting saner by the day until I accidentally spend 4 days alone in my house and start talking to the walls about what I’m making for dinner.
Excerpt:
“One of the things that has become abundantly clear to me through all of this is that I need to get back to my own practices, my own pleasure practices, my practice of holding myself deeply accountable for what im getting out of life. To walk my talk so to speak.
I am an embodiment teacher. If I am not dancing through it, and orgasming through it, and breathing through it, and loving myself through it, then I am not aligned.
Sometimes, I feel like I am getting saner by the day until I accidentally spend 4 days alone in my house and start talking to the walls about what I’m making for dinner.
And yes, you guessed it! I am ranging in here on a little lonely. But that brings up an important question for me. Do I really want a partner who is here, who is in my daily life, someone whose emotions and needs I have to take into consideration? Or am I really just capable of doing this level of production and staying on top of everything like this on my own. Relationships, no matter how amazing, are effort, and can be complicated, and messy and BEAUTIFULLY alive. Is that really what I need in my life right now? Or is this enough? Or have I just become, finally, too content with just my own company?
But through this questioning, some things have been clarified. Some desires. And I think they are healthy ones, at least I hope they are. That desire I have for Primary partnership has some major caveats on it now.
We would need to just like be good, on our own. Be capable of giving each other a lot of space, to be really versed in meeting our own needs. So that when we come together we are steady, solid, calm, and just enjoying each other’s company. There is, for me, a big need for acceptance, radical acceptance. I do not want someone to want to change me, to think they can help me be better. I will grow and evolve at my own pace, when I am good and ready, and in my own time. I had that once, someone who just accepted with complete non-judgmental compassion all of my quirks and oddities, they didn’t need me to grow with them, or to change for them. And therefore I DID, but in a gentle way, over the years together. I don’t need a relationship where someone is hyper-vigilantly watching my every move, my every change in facial expression or body language, and thinking it means something about them. I need someone who is more regulated than me, which, folks is actually a pretty low bar if I’m being honest. Someone who doesn’t mind that I cry for 3 days before my period, and perch on things, and slap away your hand, ohh no wait thats a cat, I’m describing a cat, anyways, moving on. Someone financially stable, emotionally stable, and generally knows what they want, and what they are doing to achieve it. Who doesn’t need me to come to bed with them, because they are good, who doesn’t need me to help them sort out their life, because they are GOOD. Someone not intimidated by my skills, or drive, someone clean and clear.
And so I’m just working on trust, knowing that this is the process of refining myself, my needs, and also that nothing is going to happen overnight. Letting things take their time, and also no longer counting on anyone else to come in and swoop me up off my feet and say, “here, all of this is yours too.” But instead, building it for myself. One piece of land, one A Frame, one good credit score, one budget, one client, one workshop at a time.
Basically, what I am saying here is it’s me. I am the only one who is going to make all of this happen. I am the one who has to fall asleep with myself every night. So it’s time, high time I put away those romantic fantasies and just hold my values, my needs. And keep refining, keep chipping away until what I have built is a monolith, to the better life I want for myself. And yeah yeah, if you build it they will come, maybe. But thats not so important to me anymore. I think I like it the way it is right now. And that may change, it will change. But when it does I want to be steady. I want to know what questions to ask, how to determine if it’s something I really want, or if it’s just not my cup of tea.”
