Episode 34: Freaks & Geeks

The Halloween Special: You know what’s a lot spookier than ghouls and goblins and ghosts ohh my… you guessed it! People you went to high school with that you never see or talk to anymore that still live in the same town as you…. Unresolved baggage, FEELINGS, EMOTIONAL VULNERABILITY, narcissism! Open connected people full of heart. My own shortcomings, “FUCK YOU, but also like thank you…” conversations with my therapist. Conversations with my lovers. Matter attempting to occupy the same space. Old versions of the story. IT’S NEVER ALL ABOUT YOU. & Growing up. 

And so, I guess I’ll wear my heart on my sleeve for Halloween…

Excerpt 1:

“So, I was going to like, you know, do a Halloween theme for this episode because well it’s Halloween, and I’ve been making the rounds doing all the Halloween dancing activities, and having a blast actually, I’ll talk about that in a bit. But you know what’s a lot spookier than ghouls and goblins and ghosts ohh my, you guessed it. People you went to high school with that you never see or talk to anymore that still live in the same town as you, annnddd unresolved baggage. And feelings!!! And you knew we were going to go there. Yep emotional vulnerability. So we’re going to spend a lot of time tonight talking about things that make me uncomfortable or things that used to make me uncomfortable. Namely people. People are terrifying. Well, they used to be. When I was very sick it also came with a whole lot of basically crippling social anxiety. I couldn’t even pick up the phone if someone called me. I was to put it lightly, a ball of raw nerves. And I had to relearn how to be a human being after all of that sustained dysregulation.  And the mere idea of potentially walking into a room full of people who used to know me at some point in my life before, would have sent me right into a panic attack. But this week I decided, well why not just jump in head first. Fire is fun. I also spent some lovely time with some lovers, and had a lot of enlightening conversations, and well, let’s just say, I took everything this week as it came. And boy did it come…”

Excerpt 2:

“So let’s bring it back a little to the present. And speaking of spooky. There’s something I’ve been really struggling with these past few weeks, and I’m going to air it all out here in the open for you all to hold witness to. Anyways, so I spent the beginning of this week writing, which is what I do when I can’t seem to process whatever emotions I am feeling. And so it always comes out as poetry. I’m trying to grasp at something unspoken, something intangible, a feeling a moment a sensation. And I read a couple of the things I had written to my therapist, (for various reasons) and she was like… well first she said that I need to be writing more, which is probably true, and then she was like, “Well I know you are still kind of searching for, that feeling, that thing, that PERSON that maybe you haven’t found yet. But you know, your poetry about searching for that is like almost like…. better than finding it. And maybe by sharing that you will end up finding it.” And I was like, “Fuck YOU, you but also thank you…” haha… You can say stuff like that when you’ve had the same therapist for like 14 years. And I found myself a couple of days later, in that beautiful little room overlooking the waterfall, sitting straddled across my lovers lap — room warm — and I proceeded to try to explain to them a feeling. As they ran their fingers softly over my bare breasts, I said that I had been talking to my therapist about this strange disconnect that I have. Where when I write poetry, there is something in me that feels as though it is childish. I am still that 15 year old girl in the basement, writing to stay alive. And they ran their fingers over the place over my left breast where there is still the faintest shadow of a scar, the word love carved into my chest. And I told them that I can’t seem to shake this feeling, and it keeps me in some ways from sharing what I write. For fear that it will be on display, the epic vulnerability of me. Scars and all. And that my therapist had said to me, well what if every great poet was once that child hiding in the basement writing to stay alive. Isn’t that such a sacred image. Do you really think you are the only one? And my lover laughed and kissed me, and said… “You are so beautiful.” And I said, “But I am THIS woman now.” As they flipped me over and lay down the sheepskins they had tanned to make love on. And somewhere in there. I was both the girl, writing horrible poetry about them in a room all my own, and I was also a woman, revelling in ecstasy — held in their arms, with years of time gone by. And in that moment, every version of me collided, as time folded in on itself there, and stopped while we attempted to become matter occupying the same space — if only for an instant. 

Pure. 

And hallowed.

Raw, and still searching, for the end and the beginning of us.”

Excerpt 3:

“And me and my dear friend, left off into the night… Slipped out into the rain… Off on to the next adventure. 

Because if you are love, 

Love follows you, wherever you go. 

And that. I solemnly believe to be true. 

And we have one shot at this. ONE SHOT. We might as well, do it right, or not at all. 

So here is my advice to you this week. Love people, love the people around you, fully, honestly. With everything you have. Name your fears, the things that bother you, the things that light you up. Share them. 

And I’ll leave you with a metaphor. That was given to me by a friend, of something to examine in yourself. He said to me, “No one talks about what they don’t like, what they don’t want. Think about walking through a hallway in the dark. You bounce off the walls, run into them, run your fingers down them. They show you where not to go, so that you can find a clear path through. But you have to have the walls, or you’re just walking in open space with no idea where you are going.” I offer you this, all of the lessons you have leaned, all of the quote on quote mistakes you have made. All of the things you dislike in other people, all of the things you hate about this word. Remember that they are part of your roadmap. They are guiding you, closer and closer to the end of the hallway, which ultimately is love. They are showing you the way, helping you understand what it is you do want. Where you are actually going, what matters to you and why. And this week I was reminded, BY MY OWN BEHAVIOR AND THOUGHT PATTERNS, of who I don’t want to be, so that I could be the woman I actually want to show up in the world as. I was reminded that if we remain open, to it all, that we might just be surprised and delighted by what we find. A moment of bliss, the fire alarm ringing, cold feet on a stormy night, brilliant conversations, moments steeped in care, a wild tapestry of brilliance. And it is important also to remember, that we are not alone in our feeling. That we are all, trying and sometimes failing, to make sense of this world. And that anything you are going through, anything you are experiencing, will change, will pass, as time goes by. And if we remain open, we welcome in the rewritten story. We hold our hands out, knowing that in vulnerability, we create connection. None of us are in this alone. “