Episode 33: Being Causally On Fire
MOMENTS OF PRESENCE! HEALING! “The highest form of spiritual practice is self observation, without judgement..” OLD RELATIONSHIPS WHERE I LEGIT SUCKED! SILLAWEEN! On this episode of Olivia’s Life Is Awkward… But only as awkward as she makes it… PEACE! THE MOON! Welcome to Scorpio Season BITCHES!
Excerpt 1:
“So it’s been mostly a lovely week. And to be honest I was almost too busy to record this show and get it out to you all. But what a shame that would be, to let my work life take over my passion project. So I made the time. Because I fear that if I don’t bare my soul to, well not that many people let’s be honest here… that somehow I will loose track of myself. And it’s very very important I keep learning my lessons, so that I don’t have to repeat them. Right folks? She asked literally thin air hahaha. And there’s a good point in here somewhere.
I was talking with a client this week, and there’s this thing that happens when we begin to re-regulate, this beautiful and sometimes HORRIFYING phenomenon: which is that as our anxieties begin to fall away, as we get closer to the center of ourselves, there emerges this ability to become a passive observer of our own consciousness. Suddenly we can hear the voice of reason that’s been buried under all that trauma response & anxiety & depression. It is the watcher, the part of us that sees our behaviors and actions and says, “Wait whyyy did you just say that?!? What were you thinking?!?” You begin to observe your own behavior. You are, in essence, becoming more conscious. And if we have not been taught to observe our thoughts without judgment, then there’s a whole whole lot of judgment that arises, and shame, and awkwardness and well, as Swami Kripalu says, “The highest form of spiritual practice is self observation, without judgement.” The WITHOUT JUDGEMENT part is the important part here. I mean I’m a certifiable crazy person. Almost every human being is. We have been molded by systems of oppression our entire lives, we are only now beginning to wake from this nightmare of self. And that can be hella painful at first. And so, in this process it becomes incredibly important to cultivate… curiosity! Why am I feeling this shame? What is it tied to? Where is it coming from? We begin to question the patterns, conditioning we have undergone or participated in. And sometimes it has to get bad and loud before it gets better. But on the other side of this there is self acceptance. A neutrality we can come to. Even, dare I say, an embracing of the self. Just me, with my own arms wrapped around my chest. Holding in my heart.
Eventually we come to a place of profound understanding. And we become fully present, able to melt into the moment we are in. The judgments slip gently away, and we are able to simply exist. For the pure beingness of it. And then, it is possible, we might find - that we are able to flow, gracefully, through each passing moment, meeting the present as it comes. Letting our words slip into the vast and open past. Letting ourselves become guided instead, by that inner voice of knowing, of sensing and feeling. Ohh… these are the words now… I am sure of it.
And it spills out of us: truth, authenticity, who we truly are and were always meant to be. Connected, to the ebb and flow of the great unknown. Ever curious, ever present, ever in wonder. A living prayer, offered up with every step we take, into the distant future.
So, because, well, sometimes it feels like excavation in the midst of it all. And there will always be more to excavate. But there are moments, so many moments, where there is peace.
Here is a cover of Re: Stacks”
Excerpt 2:
“So one really interesting thing came roaring back out of my past this week… You guessed it, one of my exes. No not to profess their undying affection for me. And honestly thank god for that. Everyone always thinks they want that until it’s actually happening and it’s weird and awkward. But anyways, one of my exes came into town, actually with the person I was sure they were still in love with when we were together. Of course, because I’M ALWAYS RIGHT. Just kidding. But actually, in this case, I’m happy I was right. She was wonderful, and I’m sure still is. But, seeing them, standing in the same restaurant me and my ex used to work in together, reminded me of just how much of a HOT FREAKING MESSSS I was when we were together. I mean I was a mess. And it was my first open and polyamorous relationship and I think I did everything I could have done wrong wrong. I slept with a coworker, lied to them about it, jumped overboard off the canoe we were on into a lake after my phone, swallowed a bunch of murky pond water, fessed up when they confronted me about it (you know like once I had stopped swallowing pond water and got back on the boat), got incredibly sick and ended up in the hospital the next day, called the coworker I was sleeping with to come stay with me in the hospital after they left. Ohh it was a whole ordeal. I mean really, the only thing I didn’t totally screw up was meeting this lovely woman they are now back together with when she came to visit and stay with them for a weekend. Yeah it was all a disaster. But at least my distinct feeling that they always kind of just wanted me to “be her” wasn’t completely off. At least there’s that. But really I was just a stressed out, completely unconscious, self indulgent mess. And to be fair, it’s probably high time I made amends for all of my poor behavior, and total lack of center. But well. It kind of just didn’t feel like the time. It was honestly a lot more conscious of me to bow out of the restaurant and let them have a nice trip, instead of attempting to make some sort of awkward apology. I’m happy, they’re happy, no need to make everything more awkward.
Like I have said before, I still love everyone I have ever loved, you know I just love them from afar and let them do their own thing now. It’s wayyy healthier.
Anyways. On this episode of man Olivia’s Life Is Awkward… but only as awkward as she makes it. Oof.
So let’s listen to some more music, THANK GOD I can just segue straight into music out of awkward conversations. I can’t do that in real life. Only when I’m talking to imaginary people…
So in an ode to the woman I want to be, here’s More Like You, by Orla Gartland.
Followed by the only two songs I remember from our relationship, Sunscreen by Ira Wolf, and Landfill by Daughter. Yeah that should give you a pretty good picture of that whole relationship…”
