Episode 29: OohWee!
WILD ADVENTURES! Provincetown! I STILL HAVE NOTHING FIGURED OUT! Love is complicated. WEIRD AND RANDOM PIECES OF MY HEART LEFT EVERYWHERE! NON-ATTACHMENT (which is a word that is literally attached and I find that highly ironic)! FINDING YOUR OWN PERSONAL JESUS! I AM A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PERSON, WHAT DO I DO NOW?!?!?!
Alright well. Folks…. It’s now time for me to admit I have no idea what I’m doing. I left my heart in a cuddle puddle in a bedroom in Provincetown. And half of my heart is on the strings of the guitar of a lover I haven’t seen in weeks. And un poco de mi corazon has run away to a studio overlooking a waterfall and a lover I rarely get to see. And a little part of my heart is sad. That someone liked the idea of me more than the reality. And couldn’t find it in themselves to find themselves and then me. And I left a piece of my heart in a text message I got from the person I started this show about.
“I think I represent something you want to find for yourself, I have no idea what that is hahah. I’m me, but I can’t wait to see what it is hahah. I think we also had a really deep relationship which got rocky, and that doesn’t go away. I’ve learned so much from you, you will never not be an intrinsic part of my experience. And we’ve known each other so long (not just this life) I’m still curious to see where we go, as two people in this world. To be a romantic is to see the world as it is, and to decide you want something different. I think that’s one of the most painful experiences there is. 💜 right there with you liv 🌱”
And part of my heart is wrapped in the covers Of tiny books of poetry. And a little bit of my heart is still tied in red shibari ropes. And part of my heart is still in the hands of a beautiful and wild and sweet woman.
And boy is it all a whole lot of mess. Passion is a messy business. And it’s important that we learn ourselves, inside and out. Before bringing ourselves to the edge of it. Or, well, throwing ourselves into it head first!
And the most important thing, I think. Is that we know ourselves. So that we can respond, instead of act out of reaction. That we remain unattached to the outcomes of things. That we remain curious and ever present. With whatever the universe is trying to teach us. The loss the grief, the unimaginable joy and pleasure that push us to learn more about ourselves.
To bring us up to the point where we walk away, without attachment, into the next beautiful experience. Present only with what is true, and real, and tangible. And the more present we can stay. The less it hurts, when things change, when people leave and walk out the door and off into the vastness of the world. When our idea of what might be, isn’t all that it can become, any maybe never will be. And I think one thing I keep thinking about is that somehow, some part of us, if we are romantics that’s is? Is searching for something that makes us feel whole. Completes us in some way. Some ideal or fantasy. Instead of the reality of the world. And what we are really searching for is god. Is connection. Is the perfect moments of intertwined inter connectivity of everything. We are searching for that indescribable perfection of moment. That certain knowing. And the kicker here is, that it’s actually an inside job. The god you are searching for, is inside of yourself. It is a core, a connection that runs through from us, to everything. We are all the universe experiencing itself. And if we cannot find, “or own personal god” or as I like to call it “the universe.” We will always be searching, for something in other people. Always trying to grasp onto them, to make them something for us that they can never be. We are searching for god in other people when really it’s in all of us. That connection is between you and yourself. And then from there, flows out through to everything around you. Water cuts through stone, by wearing it down over time, using the path of least resistance it creates while chasms, rivers that flow through stone. If we can learn through this, to simply flow where the universe takes us. One would think maybe that would be a more potent path.
Anyways, wow again enough of me talking. Let’s find some music to play.
