Episode 28: The Queen Of Silver Linings Pt. 2

INSTANT GRATIFICATION! DRIVING METAPHORS! I'M DRAWING A BLANK! SEX AND PRESENCE! STUMBLING INTO TRANSFORMATION! Learning how we don't want to be from others behavior... SUPER EXTREME TEXT MESSAGES! WHAT DO WE DO NOW?! Identify what we ACTUALLY care about, and then care about it A WHOLE LOT. Anyone got a couple marshmallows I can roast over this dumpster fire?!

EXERPT: Now you all know, that sometimes I start this show already knowing what I want to talk about and how I want it to go, right? I mean by now hopefully you can tell when I have a more coherent week. But this week, is just NOT one of those weeks. Folks, I’m just drawing one big blank. Ok, that’s not completely true, it’s me, I mean. Lord knows I can talk about just about anything I start in on…. Ohhh wait I know, so last week I said that I was grappling with this feeling I tried to explain in like 15 different convoluted ways. But the gist of it was that I have this strange feeling, like somethings coming, I just don’t know what yet. I feel a lot like I’m sitting in limbo. Somehow even here on the cape, just having arrived at the vacation house I’m staying in… (And folks this time, it did not go nearly as wrong as it did the last time. I mean that was hard to top. But I am looking forward to seeing if I can find Jim the oyster fisherman again, and maybe with a shucker and some lemons this time.) I still can’t shake this restless feeling, this ever present rushing. Maybe it’s the crispness running like an undercurrent through the air. Or maybe it’s something inside of me, a knowing, that I can’t shake. And OHHH MY GOD EVERYONE I WANT TO KNOW WHAT THE THING IS ALREADY. I have always been one for instant gratification, my addictive personality makes sure of it. But I have spent SO much time alone in a room meditating and breathing and focusing and breathing and meeting the eternal void, and breathing…. That you would think I could just, like. Let it go man…

But again, what did I say about that pesky old addictive personality, we DO NOT LET THINGS GO. I mean I had to start a WHOLE RADIO SHOW to get over my last breakup. I mean, I had literally done everything else I could think of, and nothing worked. Luckily shouting into the void really did the trick hahah. I mean, until they show up on my doorstep. Which will likely never happen. But even then, I think I might actually be ok, all done, yep yep byeeee. And the silver lining of that? Well, now I have a sweet little life that I actually enjoy very much. And I’m not constantly wallowing in the tide pools of the past. Wishing I could have done, ohh just one little thing differently, maybe just maybe that would have changed it all. No. Now I’m just me, here in this present moment. Mostly a blank slate, MOSTLY…. Ohh don’t worry I’ll get into that later. 

And I know, that no matter how much I can’t seem to shake this feeling. I have soooooo much faith, that I am exactly where I am meant to be, learning the things I need to be learning presently. Even if things seem unusually calm at the moment. Eerily so. But I often forget that I have fought tooth and nail for my peace. And I have taken a long hard look at all the things causing chaos in my life, and sent them metaphorically or literally packing. 

So it makes sense that I have all this room, in my head, in my life. It makes sense. I’ve been creating it. And man is it silent in here. 

I had this moment this week, driving in my car to one of my many appointments. A weekly hour long drive to another town. And I was just driving along lalala and listening to music looking around, and suddenly I realized it had been like 10 minutes since I had had a thought. A THOUGHT. I mean literally, my mind was just blank. So presently aware of the things around me. So tapped into my experience. I was just there. And I was like IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME?!?!…… Imagine?! Me - the prize fighter for the present - completely confused at my own state of embodiment. See the thing is, I had heard of this phenomenon. But aways brushed it off, ohh that’s never going to be me, this peanut gallery is never going to shut up. I am doomed to a life forever attended by an audience, ever critical. “Did she really just say Mushrooom like that? I mean come on. And the way she says fiiiiiiish. So last season.” And then there it was, just nothing. The simplicity, the peace, the connectedness I had heard of but aways thought was far away in some distant Narnia. I mean I would have thought at least I needed to find the wardrobe first. But of course I didn’t, because that’s not how it works, we often stumble into presence, and then find ourselves there. A lover said to me this week after a long delicious evening of well, great sex. They said, “Wow! How incredible! To not think of anything for so long.” And motioning at their head, they said, “Just shoooppppp nothing. I really needed that.” The presence, the, well, not silence… but you get the point. And I find that I am less inclined to even want to talk too much, more inclined to lounging, cleaning, cooking, watching a good episode of campy tv, just BEING with someone. Lying in bed, exploring miles of their skin.  

So all of that is a long winded way of saying, and we all know by now my absolute favorite way is to run around the point in every direction I can before actually getting to it. Anyways, it’s been a lovely week full of pleasure and delicious food and long long car drives. And lots of music. Of course. But the feeling somehow hasn’t gone away. And I don’t want to wait anymore, and I’m a little tired of looking for answers. But your girl is never going to stop looking for the signs. Because that’s always where I find my silver lining. So here is My Silver Lining, by First Aid Kit. Of course, because I can’t believe i remembered there was another silver lining song, and because it’s an old favorite of mine. And then I’ll follow that up with Honey I, by Wes Reeve, because it’s just so so cute. I mean I can’t even. It’s just adorable. And somehow it seems fitting. I’m not sure why, maybe it’s just that it feels like fall. So, because again, wow that’s just throughly enough of me talking, here’s the song.