Episode 57: The One Where Olivia Tries To End The Show 3 Times…. ☠️

What is wrong with me?!?!?! DOUBLE SCORPIO ENERGY UP TO 10,000!!! MY FATHER!!! WAYYYY too many Ginger Sodas… OLD LOVERS!!! THE FARMERS MARKET…. DUN DUN DUN… One incredibly strong woman. MY PAST IS CATCHING UP TO ME!!! SEXUAL SAFETY!!! PRESENCE!!! & WEIRD CUTE THINGS. And one very serious sex talk & of course Olivia tries to end the show 3 times… and has to keep talking. Things get AWKWARD!!!

Excerpt:

“Alright, folks well we are back in the swing of things here with a large heaping scoop of reality on top. 5 weeks of schoolwork to catch up on, which like recording this show does not count as… and all of my friends’ birthdays to celebrate, Taurus and Geminis in the house!!!! And I have had one heck of a weird week. Between bouts of sitting alone in my house with my dog and staring listlessly at my computer, rampant amounts of procrastination, and wayyy too many ginger sodas, I spent this week hanging out with my father, who is well let’s just say we all know I can talk, where do you think I got that from… anyways we had some great convos and listened to some Boey and some Gillian Welch and cranked the double Scorpio energy up to 10,000, which basically means we just both talked over each other for 2 hours straight. because yes if you want to get into my whacked out astrology, if you believe in that stuff. I am a Scorpio with a Cancer rising. And my father is a Scorpio and my mother is a Cancer. So we’ll just assume here that I got a higher than average dose of both in my personality. And who knows what that says about me, I don’t think I even want to guess. And well it seems that my old life is coming roaring back from the depths to collide head-on with the person I have become. I went to the farmers market this week where I promptly ran right into that old lover who wrote me that note and left it on my pillow that I received when I got home from my travels, and then as we were talking they very quickly informed me that they had told the partner they had the whole time we were involved about me, and that she was standing behind me and they had broken up but we’re working things out, and that they wanted to talk to me, about how to navigate their truth, and how to be honest and upfront about what they want (and in a moment praying, for the first time in my life, since I was 11, that it actually WASNT ME, DON’T WANT ME!!!, because IDK how I would handle that). And then she came over and introduced herself. And I stood there stunned and reeling, and in total awe of the bravery and composure of the woman standing in front of me, and I said it was nice to meet her, and that I hadn’t known, and I didn’t know what else to do but hug her and my heart broke for her, for my part in everything, for how different and yet the same we were in that moment. And for the history, all the history, that I had with this person that she loved, that I could never have explained. But there was one thing that stayed true, and that was this. The truth, no matter how difficult, no matter how heartbreaking will set you free. And my old lover seemed lighter and was showing up, for the truth, finally, and at least there was that. Everyone was uncomfortable, but at least everything was all out on the table. No more lies. Everyone had finally done the right thing. I had cut off the affair (you know when I found out it was an affair) and they had finally come clean with her, and there we all were, standing in the middle of the farmers market, with the world still inexplicably turning.

And then later this week I received a lovely invitation to go back to the cape and into a container again with the beautiful humans I spent a few wild and wet days with last summer. And this little world, that’s been just me and my primary partner for these last 5 months, was suddenly getting a little wobbly. How do I navigate this now? Who on earth knows. I used to, and then I found a person I wanted to build a life with. But inside that container, we have so much independence, but that all rests on how much grace I conduct myself with, and how much honesty. And I know, exactly what my partner would ask me, “how do you feel about all of this?” In the most loving and non-judgemental way. And the honest answer is I HAVE NO IDEA, I have no idea how I feel about any of it. I DID NOT THINK MY LIFE WAS GOING TO CATCH UP WITH ME THIS FAST. And I just keep reminding myself, that I can have any conversation, can go through anything as long as my own boundaries are solid, and my heart is open. I can learn as I go. And change as it comes. But I am also imperfect, and I spent half an hour today yelling at customer service over email, and planning a whole extremely complicated trip to British Colombia that I will be leaving for in 2 weeks. And I think the only feeling I can pinpoint right now is overwhelm, a whole lot of overwhelm. Overwhelmed at a beautiful invitation, overwhelmed that my old lover finally listened to me and took action, overwhelmed by school, overwhelmed. And folks, I finally just crossed off like almost everything on my last to-do list. And the hits just keep on comin’.

So with that, I think I’m just going to play some music, because well what else is there to do….”