Episode 66: Existential Thread
IT’S MOSTLY MUSIC!!! HOLY WAR!!! I’M HERE TO RADICALIZE YOU!!! TIME IS FAKE!!! THE ESSENTIAL SELF!!! MORE ABOUT COMPASSES!!! I’M AN ENFJ!!! WHICH BASICALLY MEANS I JUST WANT TO HELP PEOPLE BE HAPPY, GOD DAMN IT!!! CONDITIONING!!! YOU ARE MISSING CONTEXT!!! YOU CAN NOT HAVE LOVE WITHOUT GRIEF!!! HEALTHY COMPARTMENTALIZATION!!! & MY LIFE HAS BEEN NOTHING SHORT OF A PSYCHOLOGICAL HORROR MOVIE!!! AND THIS IS ALL IN CAPS BECAUSE THE SHOW IS ACTUALLY SUPER MELLOW!!!!!!!! OVERCOMPENSATION FTW!!!
Excerpt from the show:
“So, it’s not rare that I do my show and have no new music or anything interesting to talk about... But this week has been especially quiet. I’m sure there will be more. And I guess this week itself hasn’t been quiet, but I’ve felt quieter. I guess that happens as the seasons change and things, like I said, I get more introspective, and I crave the beauty of simple little things. The new leaves on my plants in my new yoga room. Growing bigger every day. I check on them and watch their progress, little by little, new life. The sprouts in my kitchen poking out of their seeds, meeting the world. I live for cool evenings in the summer on my back porch especially after the rain, everything damp and verdant. I had a beautiful conversation with one of my first lovers today, yes one of the first. Because it was so beautiful to seem them happy, and sharing what they love with the world, the grit and realness too. About how they knew me before we were changed by the world. We grew up along side each other, and I confessed something I’ve been thinking about for a long time. That the place I am always trying to get back to, is the simplicity of us reading our writing to each other, the quiet simplicity of it, the light coming through the windows, the magic of sharing creation with another person. That essential me that I was was only known by them, before the world became complicated and cruel, before our traumas and tribulations, we were pure and young and happy and creative. And that’s the me I’m always trying to get back to. My essential self is that free unburdened loving joyful open person. And in some way I see them getting back there too. To the them that I knew, the free silly joyful spirit they are underneath it all. And in the world we live in today there are so many different routs back there, it is just about finding our right path, and walking it in the right direction, back to ourselves. This week in little moments restored my faith in things, in the rightness of things. In the sweetness of things. It had its ups and downs, and difficult conversations, but it had so much beauty too. Sweet moments of reclaiming, a relationship that was broken years ago, a relationship that was broken weeks ago. It’s all now. Something we talk about in Reiki often is that everything is now. There is no time, no linear time I should say, and everything is now. It all folds in on itself. The past is happing simultaneously to the present. And we are the epicenter of a tapestry of unfolding. As we continuously repair, rebuild and mend it, we are doing so on multidimensional layers. And I felt that this week. The essential blueprints of what was always meant to be. This week I gave my studio to my partner for a day, and watched them come into their own, donating their time to their craft of massage, seeing what it meant to have a full day of clients, and watching them shine. It takes very little to believe in people, and it often means the world. That is the fundamental base of who I am. I am an ENFJ (the protagonist, my desire to watch people bloom is written in my blood.) ‘Thoughtful and idealistic, these personality types strive to have a positive impact on other people and the world around them. Few things bring Protagonists a deeper sense of joy and fulfillment than guiding friends and loved ones to grow into their best selves.’ Yes that pretty much sums it up doesn’t it. But as any embodiment practitioner knows, it starts within us. If you want to change the world, change yourself. That’s the base, the foundation from which we practice. As we unravel ourselves, we break down all the trauma stored in our lineage, the histories of oppression or dominance, we become the integrated, whole people we were always meant to be. We get back, to our essential selves. To our true power, pleasure, joy, love, forgiveness as radical acts of resistance against a world that wants to rob us of everything. Because your joy, your pleasure, are the first line of defense, against the marketing, the capitalism, the degradation of our desires, of our access, of our propose. And so it makes sense, that I do what I do in the world; because I am here to fight a holy war, to reclaim our presence, our sovereignty, our relationship with ourselves and others, our pleasure, our sexuality, our potential that has been stolen by this world. We have underneath all of the layers of conditioning, underneath the relative self that has formed around our understanding of the world, an infinite, wise and knowing self. And all the work is just to cut pathways back to that. Is to dissolve the blocks we have to letting love in, to letting it all in. Because the more you fight it, the further away you get from yourself. Deep inside you, there will always be a compass, a knowing, a spark, that you can access to close the gap. There is a voice inside you, that knows how to find joy, that knows where to go next, that knows how to follow your heart. And all we have to do is learn to listen. To others, to the world around us, but mostly to ourselves. Until someday we are back at the beginning, sitting in a room full of plants and reclaimed sheepskins, reading our hearts to another person. Unburdened of the weight of option, of self-criticism. Free.
