Episode 67: Single AGAIN?!

THE BERKSHIRE SHUFFLE (AKA the dating scene)!!! THE BOILER ROOM!!!! ONE HELL OF A WEEK!!! THE KITCHEN FLOOR!!! SOMETIMES LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH (the most fun sentence ever)!!! ONE DAY AT A TIME (and literally an episode where I describe one day at a time) I GOT MY MOJO BACK!!! SO MANY BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE!!! REDEMPTION!!! THIS IS NOT YOUR PERSON (in capital letters) THE UNIVERSE SCREAMING AT ME (so fun)!! Some really bad jokes & Some dope music.

Excerpt from the show:

“Well, this week was, umm surprisingly beautiful. In the most unusual ways.

But first ohhhh but First, my relationship is over. Really over this time. No going back, the end. Sayonara, goodbye, adios, the end (ohh buckets, I said that already, folks it’s time I start coming up with my own swears, there we go, buckets). Over. And! So much has happened since that changed on Monday, that I can barely even believe how beautiful my life is. I came into a rent-free condo, I had Amazing meetings with clients in my beautiful studio. I played with the dogs at the dog park. I cooked delicious food, and I was showered with love by so many beautiful people. I danced, I laughed, and I was surprised and delighted by the incredible loveliness all around me. Things fell back into a flow state, easy and effortless. I hit the sweet spot in the universe, and let the winds take me where they would. Trusting, this time instead of heartbroken. Trusting that what is meant for me will find me, trusting that the universe works in mysterious ways. Trusting that the peace my nervous system feels is my reward, for walking In the right direction. I have undergone so much in my life, so much pain, so much suffering, it’s almost indescribable. And sometimes the only thing I crave is simplicity, peace, one of the dogs asleep on my lap, one on the floor at my feet. A good meal with a good friend. Patience. Quiet. Small moments. A deep hug from someone I hold dear. Gratitude, for the Abundance all around me. A meal shared with my mother. Watching clients change and grow in peace. I am blessed in this life, with such a wealth of love. I am rich in love. I am.

So I think the best way to break down this whole Roller coaster of a roller coaster, is to take it day by day. Like, you know, one should in life in general. And something I tried very much to bring into my last relationship however poorly that seemed to be executed… Dun Dun Dun. We seemed to be incapable of taking things day by day. Problem one. Just kidding. Seriously there were no problems. Just insurmountable giant rocks. Which is also a bad joke I’ll come back to later. Anyways. So Monday, Monday Monday Monday. I had to say it 3 times so as to impress the gravitas of the word onto you. So Monday, I woke up and having driven back from the cape the day before I was tired, but everything was relatively quiet, I had a couple of clients on the schedule that I was set to teach some Tibetan tantra to, and my ex was supposed to be coming to stay for a couple of days, getting there around 12:30, I had gotten up late made some tea and was in the middle of making lunch when my ex-partner arrived. Now mind you they had given me warning that they were feeling kind of raw and anxious. So I was mentally prepared, or so I thought, for some hand holding, and talking softly. Which are both things I think I’m decent at. Hopefully. Anyways all that aside I was NOT prepared to sit on my kitchen floor and cry for 6 hours. So that was a shocker. But again, life on life’s terms, one day at a time. So, when things didn’t exactly go as I thought I tried to adapt. It became clear very quickly that my former partner was feeling extremely torn, between the gravitas of being home with family an hour and a half away, and looking for somewhere to move out towards Portland Maine, and being in the Berkshire’s with me. One of the first things they said right through the door was that they didn’t see how the relationship would keep working once they moved further away. And I reminded them, in a hushed voice, that they had made this choice, and it was something they would need to come to terms with, even if it wasn’t easy. And that I was still there trying to work things through. And showing up as best I could. And I gently reminded them that the whole first half of our relationship had been spent apart. And somehow none of that was at all helpful. So I said, we’ll then after the move happens we break up. Or we reevaluate, or whatever needs to happen, but it’s not today, and we will cross that bridge when we come to it. But that was not the right thing to say either. I think you might sense a theme emerging. I have not been saying the right things. At all. A lot. Not that they were the wrong things. It’s just that maybe there wasn’t a right thing in this moment. So I tried to compose myself and headed into a zoom meeting with a client. And had a lovely time with them. And came back out into a dismal conversation. And thus it continued until again, I had to pull myself together, and this time leave my house and go to my office for an in-person session. This time, when I left my house. I left and said, “I just want to make sure you’ll be here when I get back” because I wasn’t that sure If I would be coming home to an empty house and a note at that point. So I went to my session, and surprise, I pulled myself together, got out of my own way, and we had a great time. And back again I went, into the hellscape that had become my relationship. And I sat in the car before walking into the house, and I tried every trick I knew to regulate my nervous system (mostly in vain) and I put on my armor and went back into the boiler room. I mean the kitchen. What is this some weird indie horror flick? Sorry guys. The drama got me. Anyways….. so there I am, hours into this argument, talk, thing, hashing out, desperate attempt to save my relationship, being dumped again, I don’t even know at this point. And I’m like, damnnnnn I sound like a crazy person. For realizes. Like nothing makes sense anymore, I’ve been sitting on this kitchen floor for hours. I’m exhausted, I haven’t eaten, how could I this is so stressful, and there it was. Right at the heart, in the center of everything, the one thing that was true. Sometimes love isn’t enough. Yes folks, something I don’t think you ever thought I would say. Sometimes love just isn’t enough. There are too many points of contention, too many obstacles, too many open wounds. And especially, especially, if one of the things that keeps coming up is that I can’t like, go hiking or kayaking or travel with you all the time because im still healing my f’d up nervous system from years of INSANITY and actual nerve damage, and I just don’t have the same capacity as a fully able person at the moment. Again. At the moment. Day my day. Anyways. I guess sometimes I really can’t climb over those rocks. And we’re back to the bad joke metaphor, see I told you it would come around again. Comin round that mountain, alright no. Sorry, that was too bad. Back to love is not enough. The most fun sentence ever. So not only can this person not get over the fact that I’m still just trying to figure out how to have a body and exist after having Lyme for 4 years. My poor beaten-down nervous system, cannot handle the ups and downs of this relationship and the stress is actually making me physically more unwell. So there we go. My worst fear come to life, that this thing, that took away 4 years of my life, stripped me of everything, beat me into the ground, means that I can’t be in a normal healthy loving relationship? No, how is that possible? That’s just not true, there are people with conditions much more severe than mine who make it work every day with the people they hold dear. No there is something deeper here, and there’s nothing I can do about who I am. All I can do is keep showing up, in love, in support. And keep trying. And folks, it appears that was not going to ever help anything, because ultimately it wasn’t about me, or even them. It was that everything in the universe was finally yelling “enough already” can’t you see this is a failed experiment, time to turn in the towel? And any other weird sports hanging up the jock strap metaphor we can throw in here. And the only truly painful thing is that when we hold each other when we stop talking and just exist together, touching, kissing, all of that disappears. And there is just love. And nothing else mattered. But unfortunately, you cannot have a relationship like that in this day and age, especially if you are going to navigate living in different places. Unfortunately, there’s some stupid concept that you actually have to talk to your partner. None of which I ever remember agreeing to. Sorry bitter moment, carry on. Turns out you actually have to be able to communicate with your partner about things other than sex and snuggling. Who knew? Yikes. So finally at 2 am. Completely defeated by one hell of a day. They packed up the things they had unpacked. And walked out of my door, for hopefully the last time, and drove home. Leaving me to sit on the floor of my living room. Which is also the kitchen technically. (Y’all it’s just one small room) to wonder what on earth was supposed to happen next. With this sinking sense inside my chest, that I was done, explaining myself to new people, going on first dates, getting to know people, telling them my story, and generally navigating the complexity of relationship and the added complexity of healing. And yet somehow I was also left, sitting on that floor with a wave of relief. I had cried all the tears, I had bargained, I had taken responsibility, I had made my case, I had looked at my side of the street, I had done everything within my power. And it was over, and I was exhausted. And so at 4 am I finally fell asleep. With the dogs curled up on the floor beside my bed. Alone on my little cot pushed up against the wall. And I was free, to sleep in until 1 pm without anyone giving a damn about it, or worrying that my partner would think I wasn’t right for them because I have trouble with mornings and and and, you know the rest. And so I slept till 1. And I woke up, and put on an episode of parks and Rec, and lay in bed and ate cookies with joy because finally, it didn’t matter. None of it did. The only things that mattered were my sobriety, taking care of the animals, and the work I had to do for school. And suddenly the only source of stress in my life was gone (guys come on I’m not that cruel, the relationship, folks the relationship, not the person). And everything, everything was easy and quiet and peaceful again.

More on Tuesday, after this brief musical interlude! I think it’s time we listen to some of the juicy sweet music I’ve been playing a lot of lately. Because I’ve got my mojo back, and I’m deep my tantric practices, and I’m basking in the love, and I’m extremely thrilled to be here. And the good just keeps on coming. So sink in, feel the sweetness, and come with me to “Jungle,” by Tash Sultana, followed shortly thereafter by “Sharks,” by Bootleg Rascal, because we are soaking in the last of the summer sun, and these are the vibe.”