Episode 70: A Wedding, A Funeral & My Tragic Love Life
COMMUNING WITH GOD!!! MAYBE I’LL JUST END UP ALONE!?!? SUNFLOWERS!!! 5 YEAR PLANS!!! COOL, TAKE MY MONEY!!! THE POGUES!!! JUST BE WITH THAT!!! 0% SEX!!! I WAS NOT SIMPLE OR PEACEFUL!!! THE IDEAL RELATIONSHIP!!! & FOLKS WHY IS THIS SO HARD?!? Ohhhh, early childhood developmental trauma…. Makes sense.
Excerpt from the show:
“Alright folks, well…
This weeks been 100% less spicy than last week. This weeks been… extremely wholesome. I mean I-fell-asleep-on-my-roommates- shoulder-last-night-while-watching-an-animated-tv-show-for-children kind of wholesome. And to be honest it’s been kind of a weird lonely week. My grandfather passed on Wednesday. My grandfather on my mothers side, married my grandmother when I was very young. So he was just as much my grandfather as any of my blood relatives. And it was a long harrowing road before he passed, so it was a kindness in some ways. But a truly great man left the world this week. He was a radical, he was a true feminist, an advocate, and a brilliant actor, he ran the armory at Shakespeare and company. He was larger than life. He was kind and silly and a great giver of many joyful hugs. He passed while lying on a silk pillowcase I made him for Christmas, surrounded by people that loved him dearly. My feelings on death have shifted over the years. Have changed and evolved. I believe that death should be a celebration of a life lived. That we mourn but we also appreciate. And there is so much good to appreciate I remembered as I sat on my couch crying next to the human I married in a tree when I was in kindergarten.
As for my love life. Well, it stopped existing a while ago. To be completely honest. I’m kind of over the whole dating thing. I know I’ve said this. But I don’t wanna do the whole “Ohhhh I have 4 siblings, and I like to knit, and half the week I spend in bed, and I always smell like tiger balm, and I’m normally covered in bee venom and, the most thrilling part of my week this week was soaking some old white towels in oxygen bleach and the stains came out, and yeahhhhhh….” So you can understand why I just don’t want to do it anymore. Right?! I mean that thing that happened last week with awkward sexy time, went predictably nowhere, and besides a few chipper conversations I have had with my ex who seems to be doing just fine now…. and sitting on the couch with my childhood best friend (which now mind you is literally the highlight of my life, I’m not downplaying that) but it looks like from where I’m sitting romance died a long time ago. Likely before I was even single again. Oh god, I hate that, single again. I’d rather be single, just single, than single again. It’s all actually ok. I mean I’m fine. It’s all fine. Totally fine right?! Everything is fine, I don’t miss cuddling or kissing. Why would I miss that?! I mean I don’t want someone to kiss my forehead and wrap me in a blanket, I’m a grown independent woman. Plus there’s no one who wants to deal with my neuroses, and the 14 different things I have to do at night before I go to bed. And to be fair for the next whole month I do not have time to date, anyone. I have to study, literally every moment of every day. I mean I have to remember all of the innervation and anatomy of the genitalia. I have to remember many many different somatic exercises, trauma-informed approaches, and so many other things. And I have a month to become completely fluent. And I’m overwhelmed. On a couple of levels. But mostly that the memorial will fall on my birthday. And I’ll spend all day talking about death, and that I won’t be able to memorize everything I need to. And that I won’t pass my exams the week after the memorial/my birthday. And that I’m just going to end up alone, you know like my ex said to me when they visited last week. (inside my brain this is all in capital letters and running at me like a train down train tracks). And unfortunately, the only person who seems to like me looks exactly, and I mean exactly like my uncle, and as amazing as they are I just can’t even. It’s too weird. Hopefully, they still want to be friends with me, they are so cool. Anyways that’s plenty on my tragic love life. Oof we are back. I still love the universe and I’m still walking one foot after the other in the right direction, and I celebrated 2 years of sobriety in my meeting this week. And I cooked one of the best meals I have had in a long time for some dear friends on Tuesday. And I had a lovely conversation with a dear human about love that blew my mind. And my roommate/ex/apparently long-time spouse (which I had forgotten) filled the house with sunflowers flowers and berries from the forest. And life really is everything, isn’t it? Anyways let’s just listen to some music.”
