Episode 81: Roadrunner, Cinderella & 40 Burgers
A TOTAL OF ZERO LOVERS!!! Warm presence!!! THE UNIVERSE TAKING ME TO LITERALLY!!! 10 LONG YEARS!!! A room the size of a closet!!! MELODRAMA!!! THE SPARK!!! COMPASSION!!! FRACTURED SUNBEAMS!!! & everyone around us remarked they had never felt a love like ours. WHAT IS THE PURPOSE OF THIS?!?! WHYYYYY?!? & I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M DOING!!!
Excerpt from the show:
“Well it's been a long time since I’ve sat down to record a show. And a lot has happened in the interim. A lot of difficult conversations, a lot of questioning of self, a lot of magic, a lot of alignment, and a lot of discord. One thing has changed drastically. I am finally alone. Truly, really, I am actually single for the first time in many years. Like not even a lover in sight. My relationship with the person I have been on and off dating for the last year and a half is mercifully resolved. I mean not for lack of love, or lack of trying, but we finally accepted that there was just more conflict than joy. And even when I was single years ago, I still had lovers, some who I had been involved with for years. But this time the slate is clear. It’s really just me and willow. Sitting in a house that isn’t mine, in a life that feels impertinent. And the one thing that I do know, is at any moment everything could change. But for now I’m just sitting in the silence. Wondering what the next chapter will be like. And I think to myself, how many times have I been in this exact place, alone in a room with my dog. But this time there’s no leftovers, there’s meal prepped food in the fridge, and a bath full of Epsom salts, and my perfectly organized closet, and my client meetings, and my life, really is mostly just peaceful, quiet, simple. You know if you minus out the childhood traumas, messed up family dynamics, friends in awful trouble, clients having a hard time. You know besides all of that. And I’ve been working in a kitchen which is why I haven’t done this show. And last week I straight up dropped a fries punch on top of my head and luckily I was wearing a baseball cap. But let me just paint you this picture. I’m standing to the side of the kitchen I’m about to make like 40 burgers in, little do I know. And there’s this device, and if you’ve ever been a line cook you know exactly what I’m talking about, it’s got a big metal handle, and you lift up that handle and put a whole huge potato against the back flashing, and you push the handle down and it smashes the potato into the grate and out come fry shaped square potatoes. So I’m standing there cleaning out the old crusty potato bits from the grate and holding the handle up over my head to keep it out of the way, and I just straight up forget I’m holding it, and drop it right on top of my head, like Coyote dropping an anvil on Roadrunner. And I of course just play it off no one’s sees my cartoon moment, except for the fact that I now have a golf ball sized lump on the top of my head, wondering if I’ll pass out on the line straight into the grill, which I did not. But driving home from the kitchen that night I wondered… what on earth am I doing? I think one of the defining moments of becoming an adult is realizing that no one, including yourself really has any idea what they are doing. And it’s a little lonely, and kind of liberating. But with that realization comes this crushing insight that none of the adults around you as a child really had any idea what they were doing. And part of how messed up we are is because of that, and then there’s a crushing pressure to maybe be the first person ever who has figured out what we are doing here, so at least you can comfort your inner little one and say hey, I got you now, at least someone does. And then it all comes full circle, somehow in admitting that we have no idea what’s going on, or what we are doing, then we get to just be. And in being, we find peace. And there we find the true paradox. In being we are free. And in admitting we have no idea, we become enlightened. Or as Plato would say, “all I know is that I know nothing, and therefore I am the smartest man in the world.” (or something like that) So for now, I’ll stick with I know nothing. And come to every moment wondering what it might hold for me. And I will diligently work, in my own space, moving in calculated ways, towards my one true desire, to be in a space that is all my own. I desire a home, somewhere that is mine and mine alone. I have moved almost every year since I was 18. And I am tired. I want somewhere I can crawl into a bed or a bath and know that it is my bed and my bath, at least for the next little while. And I will sand the floors, and build the walls if I have to. But it will be mine, it will be safe, and I will be able to stay as long as I need to. And I really really just hope that there’s a river, or a waterfall, or some running water that runs next to the house. A bathtub, and a gas stove, (because I’m a princess like that). And literally anything else, I can figure out. One room, no problem. In the middle of nowhere, no problem. Smaller than the house I grew up in, no problem. I lived in a room the size of a closet as a child (full of mold and ghosts). I may be a princess but I grew up a lot more like Cinderella than I’d like to admit. And I grew up when I turned 7. I became an adult, I had to take care of things, bandage people up, cook meals. And I just want a little place I can watch the bulbs I plant in the fall come up in the spring, year after year. Somewhere I can sit and watch a sapling grow into a giant pine tree, just like my grandfather did for so many years. And you know what, the farthest thing from my mind is right now… if there will be a one else there to watch the tulips with me. I think it’s time I revisit that 5 year plan. One little step at a time. And this time, I won’t let anything knock me off course. I’ll learn how to be steady through anything, because I’ll have solid ground to return to, every night.
And while I’m not sure what that means, I think I’ll just let that be. And just to clarify, for the sake of the universe, because it seems to take me ohhh so literally these days. I want love that feels like home, that is patient and kind and somehow quietly extraordinary. I want a person to sit on the porch with, to eat food with. Someone who will support my work, who thinks I’m brilliant but isn’t intimidated by that. But for now I’m setting that aside. And while the remnants of a very old crush, sometimes splinter in around the edges, I remind myself that their warm presence is enough. Their laugh is still in my life. Why insert complications? No matter how much I want them. Maybe, maybe just maybe I have learned better by now. Maybe I can let it be. But maybe by now you all know me better than I know myself, does that sound like me? Well we will see.
For now here is to the music:”
