Episode 24: WHEN IT RAINS IT POURS….

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!? Transformation, magic portals, pain & pleasure, presence and breaking down shame, trauma & drama…

EXERPT:

SO…

…And I was like OHHH GOD, this is it. It’s all happening, and it’s all happening all at once. This week I got payed for just existing. I figure modeled naked for a room full of artists. I cooked delicious food for beautiful people. I relished in tenderness. I got freaky. I drove out to date night in north Hampton. I kissed sweet like honey. I rested in my pleasure. I ran around like a crazy person. I revamped my wardrobe. I was showered with gifts and affection, and I sat across from my incredible clients. I felt deeply into my body and I came up for air, (you know every once in a while) gasping with pleasure.  I also messed up my neck, pushing my body maybe a little too hard, or just hard enough, and I didn’t sleep a whole lot…. 

I also sat in my car and screamed the f word many MANY times and tried to ask the universe what on earth was going on! Why suddenly now? Why after all these years? What, what, what, what, what? 

And I had some really really interesting conversations. Here are some of the things that came up this week, you know besides well the things that came up… 

A lot about presence,

and being able to hold everything as it comes crashing in.

A lot about opposites attracting,

and how we help each other learn and grow.

A lot about what I want,

the future I’m working towards.

A lot about trauma, and how it’s passed down through generations,

and how we hold it in our bodies and our hearts,

and our nervous systems.

A lot about falling,

and waiting in love,

a lot about holding still.

A lot about letting go,

a lot about crazy synchronicity,

and a lot about appreciation.

A lot about having children,

and what that would look like,

and how I would want to do that. 

A lot of things that made me deeply think about what’s next,

and also reminded me to stay present.

And a lot,

a whole lot,

about how ready I actually am to let it all in, to receive, to open, to bask. 

This week I held super firm boundaries on the important things, and I did the right thing… instead of maybe the one I wanted to do. In hopes that it would come back to me. In value of myself. And, well, because this is the one wild and precious life I get to live. And I’m gonna do it right this time around. I’m going to heal, and face it all. 

And because folks, like I said last week, I actually have NO IDEA WHATS GOING ON. I mean my tarot cards keep yelling at me, and I’m attracting way more affection and adoration than I would normally be comfortable with and OHHH LORD way more sexy time than I am used to. And I have a dirty secret to admit. I love it. I mean, I used to WORSHIP chaos... But I mean I got pretty used to everything being calm and simple and quiet, and the universe is yelling at me now, and I just can’t figure out what it’s trying to say. Maybe, that I have finally tapped into that primal source of power, that portal, that is my pleasure center. A lover this week said to me (while running their hands down my arms) this, “this is the world.” And then placed their hand on my lower abdomen, and said, “and this, this is the gate, the doorway, the portal.” And I felt more seen than I have in a long time. I have spent so long alone in a room cultivating my own creative and sexual energy, breathing and pleasuring and BREATHING and meditating and BREATHING and moving and BREATHING. That for someone to be able to feel all that force, all that energy, the pure raw power of it, feels extraordinary. 

And also this week, I didn’t sleep with someone, because I understand the sacred and transformative nature of that power, and I knew they weren’t ready to hold it. Because you do not walk into a temple without first letting go of the suitcases you are carrying. And I do not want to be the one to strip you of your suitcases before you are ready. I want you to walk, alone, willingly, into transformation. That’s the only way it works. “You are almost too beautiful,” they said as they looked at me lit by the street lights at 1am on a Thursday. No, I am exactly as I am: flaws, beauty, and all. In this exact moment, while time collapses in on itself, and fate takes over. 

I am not interested in tumultuous love any longer. I am interested in consistency, in communication, in healing, in simplicity and peace. 

If you want me, first you must find yourself…