Episode 23: The Return Of Big Faith Energy, Volume 2

BEES! UNLEARNING! NO COINCIDENCES! THE TREES MIGHT BE LISTENING? YOUR LOVERS ARE A PART OF YOU! LISTS OF THINGS I AM AFRAID OF! FEAR IS THE MIND KILLER! FIRE INSIDE MY STOMACH! NO NOT LIKE THAT!

 EXERPT:

And for some reason I picked this week to do a CLEANSE… That means I didn’t eat a WHOLE chocolate bar for breakfast this morning. I mean for real, you cannot comprehend the agony… And that, my friends, is an excellent example of: WOW what a problem to have. Because, you know, a year ago I was like super super not ok. The word miserable doesn’t even really cut it. I was a shell of a human being. And now, well now, I’m just a really nicely dressed abalone shell. No. I’m Just kidding, really, I have a roof over my head, and I am alive to eat weird carrot soup.

FOLKS, everything else is INSIGNIFICANT!!! Or INCREDIBLY SIGNIFICANT, I CAN’T DECIDE!!!! But also, what an amazing problem to have… a philosophical one. Instead of ohhhhhh my body’s ripping itself apart. Hmmm that’s probably not good. Might wanna figure that one out soon. Ohh no medical science has no idea. Great, just great. 

But folks, I have to be honest. All the jokes and awkward soup eating aside… boy did this week feel like magic - every hidden moment of it. Every gem of conversation, every ounce of compassion, every terrifying emotional cliff I hurled myself off of. Because, when we are present enough, to really bask in the wonder that is actually all around us - even through the suffering - it’s quite extraordinary. I mean sure, complicated, but yes extraordinary. And often I forget that I am the magic. I am the magic in my own life. And everything is only as magical as I make it. And the more I feel, the more I expand, the greater my ability to hold all of that complexity and turn it into beauty is. This week I painted desire with my hands onto skin. I sat in my beautiful office with clients that are TRANSFORMING their lives, and felt the immense power of the phrase “no coincidences.” 

And I did something unheard of. I unlearned something from my past. I unlearned keeping a part of myself locked away for fear that someone would tarnish it. I did the opposite of what I would have done as a teenager. I played the poem I read on my show last week for the lover I’ve had for so many years. Sitting straddled on their lap, my heart racing, my chest burning, and my eyes afraid to even look at the grin spread across their face. But I did it anyways. Because, well, like I said last week: to be vulnerable is to risk… connection. And because one red thread does run all the way through, and I guess I wanted them to know that I saw it. And that I was paying attention - really paying attention - to every moment of it. And the more I am paying attention, the more of everything I find: a heightened awareness, a perfection of moment, an inexplicable story. 

And I have found, not for the first time in my life, that I am suddenly falling for many people all at once. And I don’t even know what that means. Do I allow all of it to happen and just keep staying as present as I can through every experience and every moment? Or do I do what I always do? Shut down, or think I have to make a snap decision, instead of letting life unfold organically before me - telling me softly where I should go. But, there is something different this time. For the first time, I think, I actually know, that I am solid - I am capable of holding any loss, any heartbreak any love any joy that comes my way. Because I am here, in this very moment experiencing the richness of it. Complexity and all. 

This week, the universe showed me great care, compassion and acceptance. I mean it also showed me a live wasp in my soup this evening at dinner but you know, the good with the bad right? And it showed me undivided attention, and presence, and it showed me gifts and blessings, and it showed me… a burning world. It also showed me no one listened to my show last week, which is fine. I mean, it was only like the best one so far… But! No one is keeping track but me anyways. I mean, hundreds of people might be listening to this air live every week and I just have no idea about it… But folks, let’s be honest, there are more cows and tress here than there are people… Maybe the trees are enjoying it… I’ll never know. 

So for a moment, let’s take it back to the very beginning: with one of the first songs I ever really fell in love with - when I was old enough to understand what that meant. And because well, it’s also the first song I ever fell in love to. Strangely enough, with the lover I wrote that haunting poem for last week. And in honor of the fact that one red thread really does run all the way through. And if you had told me when I was 11 that I would be living the life I am today I would have thought you were crazy. Well, also because you were a time traveler, but also not just that… Who knew the feelings I had in my bones were really always meant to be. Even if only for a moment in time. So here is Jose Gonzales with a cover of Heartbeats (originally by the Knife). I have probably listened to this song over a thousand times, and over a thousand kisses. But most notably I never thought I would -10 years later - hear this song come on in the background of a playlist we were making love to as adults.

How wild - these moments we call coincidence, that are really showing us that we are exactly where we are meant to be. But only if we are present enough to notice. And only, if we have faith enough to believe…