OLIVIA LOOKIN LIKE AN EARLY 90s DRUG DEALER!!! I do not feel like I am doing any of this gracefully. I feel more like a penguin falling down an escalator in slow motion… Only to stick the landing… INTIMACY: but like as a kink… MY WORRIED LITTLE HEART!!! Baggage…. LAYERS OF ARMOR!!! Could it be? I’ve been playing it safe? KETTLEBELLS!!! I was not always this whole person. A TINY PUDDLE OF MUSH!!! SPYS!!! MORSE CODE!!!! POLYVAGAL THEORY!! THE “NERVOUS” SYSTEM!!! NON-ATTACHMENT (an attached word)!!! DOPE LEMON!!! BEGINNING AGAIN!!! The ties that bind…. & UGHHH!!! The most eloquent confession. The most epic love letter: UGHHHHHH!!! And ohh god, am I? Happy?

I am not some blank page, some clean slate of a woman. I have love branded on me. I am steeped in experience. I am a wealth of knowledge and baggage… REMEMBER THAT YOU WILL DIE!!! Your lips, soft, inside my mouth. NOT BREATHING!!! “This is some high school level BULLSHIT!!!” NO EXPECTATIONS!!! WILD STALLIONS!!! DYING FOXES!!! Vivid with a capital “V” technicolor. THE EITHER!!! WE ARE GOD!!! Presence. Overwhelm. Pause. REALITY VS CYNICISM!!! “May you never stop searching” HOLD STEADY!!! Falling in love… & WHAT IF?!!

I’M SO VERSATILE, I’m like a Swiss Amy Human!!! MY SORTA-BROKEN NERVOUS SYSTEM!!! Date someone whose voice makes you calm… or wet… IDEALLY BOTH!!! Sexy Sexy Time!!! SKETCHY BASEMENTS!!! ROMANTIC-ish log cabin GETAWAYS!!! OVERSTIMULATION!!! Medical terminology!!! HORMONES!!! Sitting alone in a room and meditating FOREVERRR!!! SEXY CLIFFHANGERS!!! VULNERABILITY!! COURAGE!! Willing sex Guinea Pigs… (but like, not as weird as that sounded)!!! RISKY MOVES!!! & INAPPROPRIATE THINGS, APPARENTLY, ACCORDING TO OUR LAME OUTDATED VIEWS OF PLEASURE AND ECSTASY AS WRONG IN SOME WAY… ohhhh don’t even get me started.

THE ANGEL OF MERCY (but like, you know, not in a religious way…)!!! MY BEAUTIFUL LOVERS!!! Olivia talks about addiction in her sexy voice…. GOLF!!! SCOTTISH TARTANS!!! TRUE NORTH!!! Gratitude. Holding space. RULES FOR BEING A HUMAN BEING!!! Gratitude. HONOR!!! DUTY!!! DEMONS!!! Faith. Hope. PLEASURE!!! Trauma responses!!! ROCK BOTTOM!!! Thank you & goodnight.

Here look at this sweet shiny lovely thing THAT YOU WILL NEVER HAVE… MY FICTIONAL LOVE LIFE! Weird dreams! CHEMISTRY EXPERIMENTS! Christmas music is literally THE WORST!

I AM STILL THE OTHER WOMAN! FLYING PLANES! Off-roading! People that don’t like me! & HALLELUJAH BABY WE’RE NO LONGER TOGETHER!

SHOWER HAUNTINGS!!! Half human, half raw precipice, half flower. ADVENTURE BOOTS!!! Empty dumpsters! EGO DEATH!!! I AM NOT A GHOST HUNTER!!! LSD TRIPS!!! “One lonely pizza for one lonely woman.” TRANSCENDENCE OF SELF!!! The Now. THAT CHAIR!!! Time is no linear. & CONFUSING PHILOSOPHY!!! 

WAIT WHAT?!?!

A burlesque strip tease! EMERGENCY OLIVIA CANDLES! Family dinner. SCREAMING BLOODY MURDER! Omissions.... DEADLIFTING! The ACTUAL love of my life, & being smacked in the face with about 3,000lbs of feelings. BECOMING LOVE! Was that good for you? PROFILING BOARDS! STATISTICS! & 90% of my heart is just an overused kitchen rag. LAST STRAWS! SO THIS IS THE END?

& I DON'T WANT TO BE PSYCHIC ANYMORE. WHY DO I KNOW THESE THINGS?!?!

SEXSPLOSIONS! MY QUARTER LIFE CRISIS! Universal irony. THE TAO, DAO, THE WAY. Spiritual immortality. CATCH 22’s. Dual Cultivation! WTF! Sitting and doing nothing FOREVER! “NOT YOU TOOOO…” Is everything thought I knew about myself wrong? LOCO FOR COCO PUFFS! & BAD POETRY… of course, what else were you expecting…

ME VS. AN ALMOST 30LB TURKEY!! Necesito café. CONVERGENCES!! … So why can I do that with LOVE!?! It’s the end November and NO ONE IS DOING OK. ENLIGHTENMENT! The emotional pain body. A WHOLE LOT OF THE CURE, the band not a cure for anything unfortunately. “Please Don’t Promise Me Forever” The Hallmark Book. & A+ effort scares the bejesus out of me TBH.

HOW TO REMEMBER WHO THE FUCK YOU ARE. Worshiping contradictions. STUDDED BELTS! IT’S NOT ALL JUST REIKI HEALING ENERGY & SALAD! My giant fluffy RIDICULOUS labradoodle. I have drunk a LOT OF WHISKY and smoked a LOT OF CIGARETTES in my life… & a story about someone I used to love.

SUPERMARKETS ARE FUCKING WEIRD! Summiting literal and metaphorical mountains. AN INTERVIEW WITH CLIMBER RUTH KING! If you are love, love will find you wherever you go. MISCONCEPTIONS ABOUT SPIRITUALITY. My birthday… STARING IN THE MIRROR. & gifts from lovers.

Unresolved baggage, FEELINGS, EMOTIONAL VULNERABILITY, narcissism! Open connected people full of heart. My own shortcomings, “FUCK YOU, but also like thank you…” conversations with my therapist. Conversations with my lovers. Matter attempting to occupy the same space. Old versions of the story. IT’S NEVER ALL ABOUT YOU. & Growing up.

MOMENTS OF PRESENCE! HEALING! “The highest form of spiritual practice is self observation, without judgement..” OLD RELATIONSHIPS WHERE I LEGIT SUCKED! SILLAWEEN! On this episode of Olivia’s Life Is Awkward… But only as awkward as she makes it… PEACE! THE MOON! Welcome to Scorpio Season BITCHES!

HER.

Remembering the hard stuff not just the shiny stuff… CHILI! GROWING WINGS! Old stories. A WHOLE FUCKTON OF GREGORY ALAN ISAKOV. “The Nile.” REASONS TO GET OUT OF BED! CRINGE WORTHY LETTERS TO MYSELF FROM 4 YEARS AGO!

APPARENTLY THE PLANETS ARE DOING SOME SORT OF THING, and everyone is FREAKING OUT. Old Lovers ! New Lovers! Building castles out of people. REIKI! FANTASY VS. REALITY! “Lightwork” is a gross word…BECOMING WHOLE! FRIEND-ZONES! ATTACHMENT!

MY IRRATIONAL FEER OF STINK BUGS! A WHOLE LOT OF RECAP! That same Spanish/English love poem again. SRIRACHA!!!! A whole metric fuckton of Reggaeton! A SMALL FRACTION OF THE LESSONS WE HAVE LEARNED. MAHI-MAHI! I will make you t-shirts. I CANNOT TALK TO WOMEN!

WILD ADVENTURES! Provincetown! I STILL HAVE NOTHING FIGURED OUT! Love is complicated. WEIRD AND RANDOM PIECES OF MY HEART LEFT EVERYWHERE! NON-ATTACHMENT (which is a word that is literally attached and I find that highly ironic)! FINDING YOUR OWN PERSONAL JESUS! I AM A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PERSON, WHAT DO I DO NOW?!?!?!

INSTANT GRATIFICATION! DRIVING METAPHORS! I'M DRAWING A BLANK! SEX AND PRESENCE! STUMBLING INTO TRANSFORMATION! Learning how we don't want to be from others behavior... SUPER EXTREME TEXT MESSAGES! WHAT DO WE DO NOW?! Identify what we ACTUALLY care about, and then care about it A WHOLE LOT. Anyone got a couple marshmallows I can roast over this dumpster fire?!

SILVER LININGS! Simplicity. NUDES. HUMMING BIRDS! Warm wooden bowls. I don’t just f**k people anymore… YOU ARE THE UNIVERSE EXPERIENCING ITSELF! BOUNDARIES! DOES THIS SPARK JOY?! I am applying for the position of…

TRASH MUSIC! First date questions. Take care of yourself… Rewrite your story. AT LEAST THIS IS MY DUMPSTER FIRE! I think my funny is broken. LINDA! And also… THIS IS WAR. AND WE BETTER WIN. LOVE BETTER WIN. YOU HEAR ME?